The bereavement: it's palpable.
I didn't make the Amazon Breakthrough Novel's Top 100. My Publisher's Weekly review was really nice and made me exceedingly happy. And, in the end, that's my prize, I guess. That and it was fun lurking through the ABNA forum and pretending I wasn't as obsessed as the frequent posters there.
Because in reality? I guess I was. The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was flip open my laptop to check the results. And, not finding The Goodness of Meredith Beam, I began a shuffle through the 5 stages of grief:
1. Denial--There has to be some mistake! I had no delusions of winning this thing, but I thought I had a good shot at the Top 100. I check the listing of the Top 100 again. And again. I refresh my inbox ten times and scour the forums for some mention of an error.
2. Anger--God! How hard do I have to work and how long do I have to wait and how many effing rejections do I have to accrue?
3. Bargaining--Let there have been a mistake. Let me receive a message saying, "Oops. The Goodness of Meredith Beam was inexplicably excluded from the Top 100 list. We've decided to change it to the Top 101." This and I will give up blog reading, Feist and licorice for the next 2 months (okay, the next 2 days).
4. Depression--I don't care. This contest sucks anyway. It is all about driving traffic to Amazon. Maybe I'm just meant to wallow in mediocrity for the rest of my life.
5. Acceptance--Okay. Whatever. I still have my PW review and enjoyed several searing adrenaline rushes throughout this process. I'm restructuring the whole manuscript anyway (based on constructive feedback from a handful of saintly literary agents) and will start submitting anew. Hopefully by this summer.
Emotionally, it was a busy morning.
Stage number 6? Consolation. I'm trying to decide between these:
The taller of the two bottles, of course.
Hold me.
So sorry!! What do they know anyway??
Go for the Cadbury and the taller bottle. Hugs to you!!
Posted by: Janeen | February 19, 2008 at 04:46 PM
Um, why choose? Is that some masochistic thing? Have them all! Even the sippy if there's something good in it!
Posted by: Wendy | February 19, 2008 at 04:47 PM
Awww, I am sorry! I want to read it though, does that count? Even the name makes me want to read it!
And, for me, drink the wine. For pregant women all over. For dejected writers all over. DO IT FOR MANKIND!
Posted by: AndreAnna | February 19, 2008 at 04:49 PM
Now what kind of exciting story will you have to tell if you're an overnight success? It WILL happen for you.
Posted by: Lyssa Ireland Thomas | February 19, 2008 at 06:41 PM
I hope that you had the cupcake with sprinkles. That would definitely pull me out of a depression.
Amazon can kiss it.
Posted by: Lulu | February 19, 2008 at 08:36 PM
I think it's awesome you that you grieve for your manuscript. It's clear that it's a labor of love, and I love that. No doubt it's all going to be worth it one day, soon and very soon.
Also: not that I think myself better than a handful of saintly literary agents, at all, but if you ever need a sounding board, feel free to holler.
Posted by: kerrianne | February 19, 2008 at 10:20 PM
Why choose? And don't stop at one cupcake...have one for me too.
Posted by: Mr Furious | February 19, 2008 at 10:35 PM
Sending HUGE hugs. I think that you are not far off the mark at all with your #4. And #5 is awesome. AND...I really hope you didn't choose between the goodies, but ate & drank them all. Taller bottle of course. We KNOW you're not THAT depressed.
Posted by: JCK | February 19, 2008 at 11:36 PM
Aw dang! I thought it was sooo good, by the way. They don't know what they're missing out on!
As for you choices? Cupcake today, chocolate tomorrow. Wine all the time.
Posted by: Madame Queen | February 20, 2008 at 03:29 AM
Well, you know what Zachary would suggest eating.
I am sorry. As you know, such things are really arbitary, but the validation would have felt great.
Posted by: Emily | February 20, 2008 at 03:54 AM
Awwww. The only thing Amazon is good for is reduced rates on used books anyway. Phooey on them. They probably only read the first 100 and just got lazy.
(Does that help?)
I'll add a Ghiradelli Raspberry Milk Chocolate bar to your stash, that will do the trick.
xo
Posted by: Leanne | February 20, 2008 at 05:57 AM
Holding you, internetally speaking of course. And clutching a bottle of wine in the other hand...should the one you're presently drinking run out.
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen | February 20, 2008 at 06:06 AM
All of the above, ma'am. Start with the Cadbury.
Posted by: Burgh Baby's Mom | February 20, 2008 at 06:45 AM
I though you were going to put the wine into the sippy cup......
since I don't enjoy wine, and it seems that i'd really only enjoy the icing on that cupcake, I'd be all about the caramello. And maybe get a bag of Rolo's too. (mmmm, maybe I'll get some of those anyway....)
Posted by: Sue | February 20, 2008 at 07:01 AM
I'm so sorry. I totally relate to your current state of mind. I had a screenplay make it to the quarterfinalist round of a competition and I was sure it would go on. It did not. I recommend the chocolate and wine.
Posted by: Tootsie Farklepants | February 20, 2008 at 09:26 AM
Hey Angie? You know what? Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em all! You just keep on going, you good and golden girl, and you will make them feel like the dudes who passed on the Beatles. Assholes. You rock and I love you.
Posted by: Vanessa McGrady | February 20, 2008 at 09:41 PM
dude
it is happening. I am haunted by yr title and the small bit I read. Yr gonna do it! Published soon! xo no frettin!
Posted by: amy | February 22, 2008 at 05:50 PM