My parade of meats

We had a little discipline issue here yesterday.

With a three- and five-year-old in the house, nary a 4-hour span passes in which I'm not time-outting, hissing and white-knuckling my coffee cup to keep from pinching a chubby preschooler's thigh (a form of entertainment I haven't indulged in, by the way).

But yesterday. Yesterday was a doozie.

Just after I picked up Fruit Bat from Pre-K, it started--a titching sort of whine caused by my failure to pack a decent snack. An allergen-free granola bar and box of raisins, as it turned out, were wholly unsatisfactory. Awful, in fact. Crappy. The whine then progressed into a full-blown, screeching, writhing hell the resolution of which I couldn't, beyond driving in crazy circles around Mt. Rainier until he conked out, imagine.

It, sadly, ended with my carrying/dragging his 52-pound flailing body up the stairs and depositing him (and depositing is a euphemism) in his bedroom.

The list of infractions:

• Mouthing off like a pimply, haughty teenager in need of a rigorous, same-sex boarding school
• Making kicking gestures aimed directly between my eyes with his be-Crocked foot
• Whapping me in the face as I carried him to his room
• Emerging from his room before he was allowed
• Generally disrespecting and treating me like a skanky used Pull Up that hadn't yet been taken to the trash can

I feel I should mention that this type of shitty behavior is not Fruit Bat's usual M.O. He has his ups and downs of course, but, if anything, often wavers toward the gentler side.

I do think something is going on, emotionally, with him. Perhaps having to do with a few big advances he's making at the moment. But add to any psychological turmoil percolating up there in his head, a pinch of something like, oh, HUNGER (whisk until frothy and serve), and you've got a recipe for an explosive meltdown.

One thing that can assuage, or even, if you're on the ball enough, PREVENT such a catastrophe, is the glorious, magical protein. Nuts and eggs are out, due to a little thing called anaphylactic reaction. So I, a recovering Vegetarian and still fairly reluctant carnivore, operating in the survival mode that is parenting-young-children, have begun patronizing the meat counters of Greater Seattle, looking for as much natural, nitrite-free, antibiotic-free, hormone-free animal foodstuff that I can load into one shopping cart.

I'm always searching for something he hasn't tried yet, some new way marketers have devised to package beef, pork or chicken. Because A) Fruit Bat gets easily bored with the old stand-bys of nuggets and hot dogs and B) If there is no meat in him, he is not fit for any sort of interaction. And, hence, neither am I.

Meat sticks, jerky, deli slices, breaded, cubed, sliced, balled, frozen. I don't care. Give me steak in a sugar cone with chocolate sauce on top and, if it will placate Fruit Bat, keep his scanty social skills somewhat intact, I'll take it and even eat some myself.

I can't say I think buying meat from a grocery store with no real idea of how it came it be there is right. I can't say I feel great about eating cows and pigs and chickens.

I'm just too raked over to care much right now.

Comments

[Natalie]

I'm sorry, I feel your pain, but it is nice to know that being kicked in the head by Crocs happens across the country. How about kabobs? They are considered "fun food" at my house, could also be considered a weapon, however!

[jenn]

Girlfriend, I've got the exact same problem. My almost 4-year-old has the same need for protein and unfortunate nut/egg allergies. Oh, and also beef, so that's out too. Yeah, we eat a lot of chicken and turkey. What I wouldn't give to be able to hand him a bag of trail mix with some actual almonds or cashews.

Hey, kind of OT, but does he take Singulair? My local support group/email list has a lot of discussion right now about behavior issues when kids are on it. At least 5-6 peeps have said they dc'ed it and their kid went back to being fit for society.

[Manager Mom]

Well, its nice to know that other moms are being treated similarly by their children.

I have been enjoying a stay at home few days with a strep-ridden child.

All I can say is, lots of ammo for when we are old and decrepit and are trying to duck a nursing home. I will dump truckloads of guilt and cite numerous examples...and thank goodness we have published evidence of their transgressions to keep our memory sharp.

[MommyTime]

Oh, I feel your pain. When I pick my kids up from daycare, there is a three-minute window upon arriving home in which to get SUBSTANTIAL food into them before they melt into horrifying (and annoying) puddles of inconsolable screeching and dysfunctionality. Packing a car snack for the ride home helps -- but only a little. My favorite fast proteins are tofu noodles (in the refrigerator section)and organic meatballs from Trader Joe's -- both only need reheating. Good luck!

[Kristy]

Can he eat legumes? I've had some kid-liking success with versions of "Hoppin' John," which is basically rice and black-eyed peas. I cook up some brown rice, cook a bag of frozen black-eyed peas (other kinds of frozen or dried bean could work, but frozen is way less labor-intensive than dried) in organic low-sodium chicken broth, throw in some chopped frozen spinach, and mix it all together. Add some shredded cheddar and even, if you want, diced up "ham" of some kind, and it tastes great and is packed with healthy protein, iron, calcium, and fiber.

[BOSSY]

Chicken. How 'bout it?

[fraticallysimple]

Mmmmm...
Steak cone with chocolate sauce...
Make that hot fudge, and I'll buy the lot.
But sincerely - so sorry. It will get better.

[Nora]

Can Fruit Bat tolerate beans, lentils or dairy? I am a vegetarian raising my son meat-free (despite my carnivorous husband) but we haven't encountered obstacles like allergies. I was trying to think of the non-egg proteins my son gets. (We haven't done nuts yet as he's only eleven months old.)

I know there are big debates about whether soy is suitable for food, especially in children. But I eat soy. Have you looked into it?

[Mrs. G.]

You know, steak in a cone doesn't sound all that bad. Is he into protein smoothies-there are some powders that don't taste like gritty gravel.

[foolery]

My mom used to cut up hotdogs (but you could keep cold cubed chicken on hand) and cheese chunks (so skip the cheese), pickles, olives, etc. and put them on a plate with a handful of toothpicks. We made our own little kabobs and LOVED it. Something about make-it-yourself finger foods and kids. Good luck!

p.s. Cannot TELL you how many time my 4-year-old has kicked and slapped and screamed, though it gets her a time out, a nap and no TV EVERY TIME. I think it gets better, Mom. :)

[Tricia]

I was so happy to read this post. Not because your child is trying to ninja kick you into oblivion, of course, but because it helps to know that my son's recent antics and determination to wear me down into a soggy ball of tissue is not so, so weird. Mental exhaustion from a vertical brain growth spurt has made for a couple of difficult weeks. Throw in hunger, and we have the exact same melt downs you describe.

[anymommy]

Damn, I suspected it got harder as they got older. Now it's confirmed. They get to have an opinion about snacks?? You are really creative. I have no allergies to deal with and usually resort to fish crackers or apples.

[Emily R]

Tofu and beans are a huge hit with my protein fiend. Baked beans, kidney beans, black beans, and tofu made following Jeanne Lemlin's instructions.

[Shelle]

I had this with my little girl at a grocery store...You would have thought that I was taking her away from her "real" parents! Kids are crazy tempermental!

www.blokthougthsnmore.blogspot.com

[Vanessa McGrady]

Darling. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING better than Ikea meatballs. You get them by the freezer by the checkout. You can eat them plain, in soup and in pasta. They are the bomb. Stock up today and you will be so glad you did. Fuck tofu. Seriously. Who wants a scar on their forehead?

[Tootsie Farklepants]

Your description of Fruit Bat's behavior is causing traumatic flashbacks of my own boys' 2, 3, and 4 year old tantrums. I'm here on the other side to let you know that it will end!

[Ziva]

Hmm. My anti-nut/dairy/egg/seed/gluten/etc kids do have to eat RIGHT then at pick-up from school. My eldest walks up to me every day and roars, "I'm huuuuuuungry!" It's so rewarding. So loving. So enjoyable.

I found that I've got to hit them with protein, and fast. Anything with sugar only buys me time, but makes the crash and melt worse. So, I give them chickpeas mixed with olives, and after that they get fruit or some treat. But first, we've just got to have the protein.

Otherwise, crash bang and boom (that last, mind you, was me).

[T]

RE: Protein
I recently discovered Jennie-O Turkey Meatballs that are "freezer to microwave" ready in 2-3 minutes that my kids actually eat (at least this week anyway).

[mamatulip]

"Generally disrespecting and treating me like a skanky used Pull Up that hadn't yet been taken to the trash can."

Oh. Yes. I hear you on this one.

[Kat]

I have a 10-year-old like this. It is ugly.

Some things that she'll eat: Edamame, ham & cream cheese roll-ups. I also make smoothies with protein powder, freeze them in small tupperware containers (the fruit cup size ones). I grab one when I know we'll be out running around and by the time she needs it it's defrosted enough. This will keep the crash at bay.

[Shalet]

Don't you just LOVE meltdowns. Of course my kids never do anything like that. No never. Not at all. ;o)

[Danielle]

Can he do cheese? String cheese?

We've been down that tantrum melt down kicking spitting screaming good god is he being tortured?!!! road before.

Sucks!!!