1. Post pictures of hot men (and women). Naked.
2. Post pictures of yourself. Naked.
3. Shoot a video so funny that it turns viral and points people back to your site.
4. Post pictures and videos of animals and babies doing cute things. Add captions in a gibberish vernacular that takes months for a normal person to decipher.
5. Fancy yourself a pundit and post political commentary. That actually makes sense. And sounds educated.
6. Post in painful detail about new techie gadgets.
7. Steal celebrity pictures from Flickr and post snarky commentary. Bonus: Doesn't matter if it's well written. Typos abound? That's A-Ok.
8. Post photoshop tutorials.
9. Post newsletters to your children.
10. Post scads and scads of images of your livestock.
11. Post anything at all about jeans.
12. Post anything at all about handbags.
13. Post anything at all resembling beauty advice or beauty product reviews.
14. Post recipes featuring lots of butter and red meat.
15. Include the word Hack in the title of your blog.
16. Change your banner once a month.
17. Post about how to make money blogging.
18. Post a directory of cool links.
19. Start a big magazine or tv station and spin off a blog from that.
Frequently all of the above will fail to work
Things NOT to do when trying to Super Monetize your blog:
1. Neglect to find a niche.
2. Copy bloggers who write monthly newsletters to their child.
3. Copy bloggers who post recipes featuring lots of butter and red meat.
4. Insert the word Hack into the title of your blog even though it makes no sense.
5. Write a bunch of PhotoShop tutorials. Conveniently forget that you just stole the application from a friend a few days ago and don't know for layers.
6. Ignore other bloggers. Do not reply to comments. Ever.
7. Post obnoxious audio on your site without warning readers.
8. Email all the big bloggers while you're still in your Typepad two-week trial and ask them to put you on their blogrolls.
9. Comment on others' blog posts with nothing but a link back to your site.
Frequently all of the above will actually work.
And you'll be rich.
The end.
Update: Sorry for the spacing issues that make the end of this so frustrating to read
Sweet Mother of God, you are a GENIUS. The people going to BlogHer are going to feel SO stupid for wasting their cold hard cash when all they ever needed to know is covered HERE in one awesome post.
You rule. I want to make $40 bucks too!
Thanks so much for participating in BlogHerNot -- see you at the party this weekend, Doog!
Posted by: mommypie | July 18, 2008 at 12:47 AM
You made $40 bucks in three months?!?!?! YOU ARE MY IDOL!!!!
Posted by: McMommy | July 18, 2008 at 04:48 AM
40 bucks! You know what I could do with 40 bucks?!! ...uhmmmm....
Great list, and all true, except I'd love for someone to explain to me how #9 on your list of DO's and #6 on your list of DONT's can go together but be on different lists!
Posted by: Leanne | July 18, 2008 at 05:05 AM
OMG that was brilliant! Just shot part of my screwdriver through my nose. Well, ok, there was no screw in that driver, or is that the other way around?
BTW, Special K Bars? Not such great hangover food. But alas, it was all I could rummage from my carry-on bag because I missed the Continental Breakfast the Bejewell was hosting.
Posted by: Auds | July 18, 2008 at 05:19 AM
http://litandlaundry.blogspot.com/
Posted by: threeundertwo | July 18, 2008 at 05:40 AM
Forty bucks! I've yet to see a dime! I've obviously been doing something wrong, but after taking this class I see the light! :)
Posted by: Madame Queen | July 18, 2008 at 05:42 AM
I'm screwed.
Posted by: Momo Fali | July 18, 2008 at 05:50 AM
Is THAT the way it's done ?!
Posted by: Emily R | July 18, 2008 at 06:28 AM
Best advice ever. However, I'm not sure posting naked pictures of myself would get me much traffic, unless it's the kind of traffic that slows down to gaze in horror at a car crash.
Just for this I'm going to click on one of your ads. Then I'm going to my blog and start monthly newsletter to all 3 of my children. I'll barely have to do anything else!
Cheers!
Posted by: Erin | July 18, 2008 at 06:42 AM
As a matter of principle I click on the ads of all my favorite blogs.
I can't wait to make $40. So far, I'm up to about $5.
So for the first time since the birth of our daughter, I'm contributing financially! I think I deserve new shoes.
BTW, I'm considering changing my name to Frantically Simple Hacks.
$$$$$$$$$
Posted by: franticallysimple | July 18, 2008 at 08:17 AM
I'm starting a weight-loss blog called "Ass Hacks." I'll give you a piece (of Ass.)
Posted by: Melanie Beanpaste | July 18, 2008 at 08:35 AM
$40! That's like... a quarter of a tank of gas! Thank you for sharing your tips. I am going to combine them all in to one super ultra mega post that will MAKE ME RICH!
Will you add me to your blogroll? How about now? Now? Now? Phooey...
Posted by: Jennifer | July 18, 2008 at 09:01 AM
Congratulations on $40!! You are already probably making more than 90% of writers out there.
Posted by: anne nahm | July 18, 2008 at 10:17 AM
Dude! $40??? You're rollin in the dough. I've made exactly Nada. Zip. Zero. from my blog - but of course I don't know what the hell I'm doing either so there. Maybe I could email you sometime for some more tips on how to make $$ from a blog? Yes? No? Maybe?
Posted by: Leslie | July 18, 2008 at 10:46 AM
I think I am going to start writing monthly newsletters to my kids about butter and red meat.
Posted by: Mrs. G. | July 18, 2008 at 12:02 PM
**scrambles off to locate camera for a MySpace-esque nude self portrait**
Posted by: Tootsie Farklepants | July 18, 2008 at 12:09 PM
Funny. How come Mommypie didn't include me in her anti blogher thing? I'm hurt and she's like my only twitter pal???
Oh, and was the handbags dig aimed at me?
Posted by: good&crazy | July 18, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Sign me up. That was great, why waste time and money on blogher, you've got it all here! Okay, off to write a lengthy post about red meat and butter and how it effects Brangelinas newborns. hahaha, I kid. Love your blog, wouldn't have found it if not for Blogher Not at Mommypie! :)
Posted by: Kristin | July 18, 2008 at 01:23 PM
You are brilliant. Im going to go shoot some pictures of myself naked ASAP!
Posted by: Jennifer | July 18, 2008 at 02:30 PM
You know, I'm betting people would pay to NOT see me naked. Just sayin'.
Posted by: Steph | July 18, 2008 at 03:04 PM
I thought I was the only one who hated audio on blogs!!! I love finding people who are irritated by the same things I am.
Posted by: Di | July 18, 2008 at 03:47 PM
Excellent information. And I would be happy to write about butter. I love butter.
Posted by: LaRue | July 18, 2008 at 05:21 PM
My arms are not long enough to take a picture of myself naked -- not and get all of me in, anyway. Yeah, that sentence was thirteen kinds of awful, I know.
We are in total agreement on these! I'd like to buy you a drink. May I borrow $40? (congrats)
Posted by: Foolery | July 18, 2008 at 05:27 PM
Priceless. Absolutely priceless.
Posted by: Mental P Mama | July 18, 2008 at 05:57 PM
So NOW I see my problem: too much red meat, not enough money shot. Thank you thank you thank you. :)
Posted by: MommyTime | July 18, 2008 at 06:48 PM