All Adither

The post where I get all pissed off on Food Allergy's ass

When we first had Fruit Bat tested for food allergies, he was five months old. He had eczema from head to toe and I was desperate to figure out the cause.

He tested positive for dairy, egg, tree nuts and peanuts. My initial reaction was relief. I could cut those foods from my diet (I was still nursing him exclusively) and maybe his skin that was red, angry sandpaper would soften, would stop itching.

And the full body rash did ease quite a bit.

Still, I didn't fully understand food allergies. I thought I could have a piece of peanut butter pie here, a milkshake there and it wouldn't be any big deal.

When we had him retested at age one, his wheals (which are the hives the allergists measure to get an idea of how allergic someone might be to a particular substance) were huge.

Still, I didn't get it. 

I'd occasionally give him cheese and ply him with baked goods containing egg and dairy. It wasn't until hives started popping out on his arms and legs that I realized how these foods were taxing his immune system.

At three he was tested again. This time the allergist chose to do a blood draw and have the lab perform a CAP RAST  so we could get actual numbers rather than just measuring wheals. 

His numbers for nuts, egg and dairy were high. So high. I wept. I gnashed. I was jittery. I had to take a Xanax that day.

Last year, his numbers for egg and dairy started to abate a bit. And I made the mistake of hoping. Hoping that he'd someday be able to eat real pizza, Ben and Jerry's, omelets, frozen custard. Hoping that we wouldn't have to bring our own cupcake to birthday parties and that he wouldn't have to feel left out when other kids got treats he couldn't have.

I've always known that the Peanuts are probably a lifelong allergy. His peanut numbers are astronomical and, honestly, it is peanuts that I fear will someday put him in the ER (Hopefully not worse. Oh, please, hopefully not worse.).

But the eggs and dairy. They've never been the thugs to me that Peanuts are. They're the delinquents that swagger several paces back from the thug. They sneer and threaten, but, as long as we don't make eye contact, they will never actually jump us.

This morning, though, I was informed that Fruit Bat's numbers for eggs tripled and for dairy doubled. This is after years of reading labels, avoiding restaurants, bakeries and ice cream shops, of never giving him anything homemade by someone I didn't really, really trust. After years of believing that if we strictly avoided eggs and dairy he had a great chance of outgrowing his allergies to them.

So, with no exposure, why would his numbers have gone up?

I'm frustrated. I'm so fucking frustrated. And I'm scared. I'm sending Fruit Bat off to public, all day Kindergarten in a month. The school is close to our house. He'll be with grown ups who care about him, but who probably understand food allergies about as well as I did when I was feeding him nibbles of Cheddar and spoonfuls of yogurt.

The delinquent eggs and dairy are getting feistier, their glares more menacing.

Usually I'm able to accept our reality of little to no eating out, of teaching Fruit Bat what peanuts look like and to stay far, far away from the bastards, of a certain amount of deprivation.

I'm able to celebrate when I find a new soy ice cream treat he can indulge in and dance a little jig when a friend bakes safe cookies for him to enjoy with his friends.

But today. Today I'm a little bummed. I don't feel like I need a Xanax this year. I've been around this track quite a few times.

I just want my boy to be able to enjoy life. To not have to fear something as pervasive as FOOD, for God's sake. I want him to be able to eat cake. 

Any damn cake he wants.

Five years old

It’s summer and it seems that a lot of blogging folks are on vacation. I’ve been reading scads of Guest Posts which 1) Is a good way to find out about new blogs you may want to take a gander at, but 2) Is annoying when you’re expecting to be entertained by the regular writer of a certain site.

Despite my irritation with this technique, I need a break. And my five-year-old son, Fruit Bat, shares many of my sensibilities (like being self-centered and thinking about nothing but candy). I've let him temporarily take the reigns of All Adither.

asldifjasdofina;voasidnas;ds

sdfoisjdf lmnsdf eip'a.

Okay, I'm clearly gonna have to translate. 

Here he is:

Can we go to the Bob-the-Builder site, Mom? Can we color those pictures on that site? Go to the Bob-the-Builder site, Mom. C'mon, pleeease. Or Dragon Tales. Go to the Dragon Tales site now.

Did you see me riding my bike yesterday, Mom? Did you see me? I went, like, a really long time without my training wheels. I'm so much better than I was. I'm awesome. Kitty Cat, you should take the training wheels off your bike. It's easy. My balance is so much better. Did you see me, Mom? I went for that really long time pedaling. It was awesome.

Why do you always have your postcards out? I put mine in my memory box. Mom, I put mine in my memory box. You know, the picture of where we stayed in Hawaii and the black sand beach. I like to play I Spy with them. Especially the Maui picture one. That's a good one. I like the I Spy things with my Maui picture. Cuz it's really tricky. Can we go get Laffy Taffy?

Why are you always on your computer mom? What's that a picture of? What's the dancing lady? An ad? What's an ad? Mom? What does it do, an ad? Is it, like, part of the Bob the Builder site? What is insurance? What do you mean, mom? Can we go to the Bob-the-Builder site now? I wanna go to the Dragon Tales site, that game with Zach and Wheezy. Can we go, now? Can we go? Let me click, mom. I'll click.

Thanks, Fruit Bat! Now everyone has an accurate portrayal of 85% of my day.

What's accurate, mom? What's accurate mean? It has the word Cure in it. Is it a Cure? Is it, mom? Mom, is it a cure? It has the word Ate in it too. Are you talking about eating mom? Like Laffy Taffy. Can we go get Laffy Taffy?

Okay, enough snarkery

All the Perez Hilton this and Jamie Lynn that is tiring. Who knew I had it in me to be so prolifically snide.

Well, I did, I guess.

But now, let's take a deep breath and unwind.

J., the kids and I went for a hike this morning. We walked along the shores of Lake Washington, over a charming, if extremely muddy little island, to the Arboretum near the UW.

That's the stadium there, in case you couldn't tell. Which I'm sure you could. Because All Adither readers are the most astute on the internet. (And I mean that in a totally unsnarky and sincere way.)

It was good to recharge.

How to earn a living with your blog--Tongue in Cheek 2.0

My bloggy buddy MommyPie is hosting an alternative to the massive blogger's conference happening in the Bay Area right this very second.

MommyPie's version is called:

And I am honored to be an instructor. Because I recently made forty dollars over three months with All Adither, I'm here to show you my tips and tricks!

Ways to Super-Monetize your Blog:

1. Post pictures of hot men (and women). Naked.

2. Post pictures of yourself. Naked.

3. Shoot a video so funny that it turns viral and points people back to your site.

4. Post pictures and videos of animals and babies doing cute things. Add captions in a gibberish vernacular that takes months for a normal person to decipher.

5. Fancy yourself a pundit and post political commentary. That actually makes sense. And sounds educated.

6. Post in painful detail about new techie gadgets.

7. Steal celebrity pictures from Flickr and post snarky commentary. Bonus: Doesn't matter if it's well written. Typos abound? That's A-Ok.

8. Post photoshop tutorials.

9. Post newsletters to your children.

10. Post scads and scads of images of your livestock.

11. Post anything at all about jeans.

12. Post anything at all about handbags.

13. Post anything at all resembling beauty advice or beauty product reviews.

14. Post recipes featuring lots of butter and red meat.

15. Include the word Hack in the title of your blog.

16. Change your banner once a month.

17. Post about how to make money blogging.

18. Post a directory of cool links.

19. Start a big magazine or tv station and spin off a blog from that.

Frequently all of the above will fail to work

Things NOT to do when trying to Super Monetize your blog:

1. Neglect to find a niche.

2. Copy bloggers who write monthly newsletters to their child.

3. Copy bloggers who post recipes featuring lots of butter and red meat.

4. Insert the word Hack into the title of your blog even though it makes no sense.

5. Write a bunch of PhotoShop tutorials. Conveniently forget that you just stole the application from a friend a few days ago and don't know for layers.

6.  Ignore other bloggers. Do not reply to comments. Ever.

7. Post obnoxious audio on your site without warning readers.

8. Email all the big bloggers while you're still in your Typepad two-week trial and ask them to put you on their blogrolls.

9. Comment on others' blog posts with nothing but a link back to your site.

Frequently all of the above will actually work.

And you'll be rich.

The end.

Update: Sorry for the spacing issues that make the end of this so frustrating to read

Stuff white, upper middle class, stay-at-home moms do

Or, probably, just THIS particular white, stay-at-home mom:

• She sits at a stoplight in hybrid SUV listening to an iPod while a hungry man holding a cardboard sign peers into her window and asks for help. No drinking, he says. Anything she could offer would be appreciated. She shakes her head No, feels a moment of poignant regret, then decides she will blog about it once she gets home and tell all her internet friends about the poignant regret.

• She listens to This American Life podcast about two guys who chose homelessness as a lifestyle. (Called Social Engineering for anyone who's interested) She thinks about man at stoplight and wonders if he chose homelessness as a lifestyle. Rejects this idea. His milky blue eyes were too desperate.

• Later that afternoon, she sips tea at coffee shop while typing on a laptop and mourning slow wi-fi connection. Lets mind drift to stoplight man again. Wonders about social programs and how good they are. Realizes depths of her ignorance.

Seattle tide pools

One of our family's favorite things to do is mosey down to a private beach that we happen to have access to here in Seattle.

Yesterday we had a particularly low tide (-3.6) that left all sorts of critters in its wake. J. and the kids love to troll the rocks, lift them gently and find seastars, crabs, anemones, snails and any other aquatic creature so inclined to show its face. Or its legs.

I like to snap a few pictures of their discoveries. Then I get bored and stroll down the beach looking for sea glass. I have a huge collection of sea glass and certainly don't need more. But hunting for it and depositing it into my pocket is a compulsion I can't quite overcome.

I fancy that someday I'll make stunning, wire-wrapped sea glass necklaces to sell on Etsy. But the family, the house and my writing always take priority.

Anyway, back to the beach...

Toward the end of our afternoon a guy glided past on a paddle board with his dog.

We saw a lot of paddle boarders in Hawaii, but I've never seen one off our little stretch of beach.

Shortly after this was taken, the dog abandoned board and rolled around in the sand for a while. Even though you're really not supposed to, a lot of people let their mutts off leash down there. I think its helped Fruit Bat and Kitty Cat get used to dogs.

Going to this beach always does me good. It does all of us good.

When J. and I first moved into this house, received our little key to the locked beach gate and walked hand-in-hand along the edge of the Puget Sound, I thought, This beach will help the old marriage. At that time I could barely imagine the family we'd create and how it'd be good for all four of us.

Earth's new soundtrack

Apparently Earth has a natural soundtrack: a high-pitched series of chirps and whistles, that could, potentially, be heard by aliens if they knew how to listen. It is ear-splitting.

This is what it sounds like

This is what I wish it sounded like