The wrong regrets

Kitty Cat has recently discovered her "DRAGgedy Ann" doll. Which she insists is not really named "DRAGgedy Ann". But Lynn. 

She is so excited about Lynn because Lynn's clothes can be removed. And put back on. And then removed. And then put back on. Ad nauseum.

But it keeps her occupied while I'm racing the Whine to get dinner ready in the evening. 

Last night her distraction was especially crucial because the kids were entertained by a sitter all afternoon (while I spent several hours in the dentist's chair) and it was late and food was not yet prepared. Fruit Bat, my five-year-old, was hungry and grumbly and I was nursing a fair amount of regret.

My regret stemmed from an event I witnessed while driving home from the dentist's office.

What I saw was a white van barreling through a guard rail and down an embankment.

I was stuck behind several other cars at a red light and my vantage point was such that I caught a puff of dust and the back end of the vehicle before it disappeared. 

I wasn't entirely sure I hadn't imagined it.

But then, my lane of traffic finally made it through the light and I glanced to my left and, indeed, saw the van several dozen feet from where one usually expects to find a car. Which is to say, on the pavement.

Oddly, even though at least 20 others had passed the accident scene ahead of me, only three or four had actually stopped.

And I probably should have too.

I like to think of myself as someone who stops to help people. Of someone who reaches out. 

I feel compassion. I feel it deeply. But this doesn't always translate to action.

Oh, but there are already people there, I thought. People who certainly have cell phones and maybe even a little medical expertise. People who are strong and demonstrative and unafraid to leap from their comfort zones and into a realm where people may be very hurt or ill or possibly belligerently drunk.

So I drove past.

And I felt a lot. I felt selfish and conflicted and, considering that I'd just spent $80 on tooth whitening trays, I felt that my priorities were all messed up.

But still I drove on.

To turn around now would just add to the chaos, I told myself. They don't need some wimp huddling in the rain half-heartedly asking what she can do. They don't need my squeamishness.

Yeah. Fear or apathy? I dunno.

As I rushed to get dinner for the family, my regret eclipsed my small neuroticisms over the non-stick pan I still insist on using and the chemical burps coming out of me from the awful impression putty used to make my custom tooth whitening trays and my neighbors making it home ON TIME from their 10 day vacation in Martha's Vineyard so they can resume entertaining my children like they were so good at doing earlier in the summer.

I told Kitty Cat it was time to put down Lynn and come eat the pasta, ham and broccoli I'd just set on the table and I watched her trotting over to the table, hoping she, and Fruit Bat too, would be ones who wouldn't drive on.

Comments

[KD @ A Bit Squirrelly]

I always want to stop. In most cases I have my kids in the car and just can't. In my days before kids I did stop. I lost that immediate need to help others now that I have my own to care for. I still, like you, want to stop, but it's not really as easy as it used to be, is it?

[Chris]

That was excellent. I imagine there are very few people who cannot relate to what you described so beautifully.

My hunch is your children will not drive on, and even if they do, hopefully they'll go easy on themselves - as should you.

[MommyTime]

It's so hard to know, isn't it, once someone else has already stopped, whether stopping yourself will be of some help or simply add to the confusion and appear to be nothing more than rubber-necking. The latter grates on me no end, and I'm always leary of looking like I'm just a "tourist" at the accident.

I have called 911 only twice in my life, once to report a really dangerous driver, and once to report an accident that looked AWFUL (on the other side of the highway, so I really couldn't stop). There were no flashing lights anywhere in sight when I called, and no one appeared to have stopped to offer assistance. And yet, when I reported it to dispatch, they told me they'd already had "several" calls about the accident and help was on its way (and this was at 10pm). Even people who don't stop physically sometimes do mentally -- or on their phones. And that is good too. Don't beat yourself up about this one. There will always be another opportunity to help.

[Janine]

I know just what you mean. You want to be able to do something...but what?

[noble pig]

Go easy on yourself, we can't be there all the time for everyone. You are a compassionate person and that shows through in your writing. Never forget it.

[AndreAnna]

Stuff like this plagues me...

[Pez]

I know you would have stopped if others had not done so already. Not stopping has nothing to do with any apathy on your part.

[franticallysimple]

Beautifully written.
And don't be so hard on yourself. They did have help. You weren't leaving those people alone.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

What franticallysimple said.

[Heidi]

Your priorities are exactly where they should be. You drove by on your way home to your children. You didn't drive to Starbucks for a $5.00 latte and you didn't drive to the mall for a outrageously priced pair of jeans (even if they do fit so well) or on to a nail appointment. And whiter teeth make Mommy happy. A happy Mommy is a good Mommy.

[apathy lounge]

Ditto on what FranSimple and TFarklepants said. Besides...sometimes too many people at the scene is just as unhelpful as not enough.

[Erin]

I'm with apathy lounge. If everyone stopped, it would be bedlam. I've stopped for accidents before, but that was because I was the first person on the scene. I think stopping is a requirement under those circumstances. Unless, of course, I have any or all of my 3 youngsters with me. Then it would be a case by case sort of thing. There are always exceptions.
Never underestimate whiter teeth.

[Nora Bee]

I agree--you are absolved. But I know that feeling, I do.

[Katie in MA]

I finished the archives!! I can comment, now! But...ummm...hmmm. Not really the appropriate post to get all "Me-Me-Me!" Levity, let's just pretend that was some levity.

Seriously, though, my rule is that any more than four and you're more of a hindrance than a help. Unless the people who have already stopped are flagging more helpers down, I say drive on and clear the way for emergency vehicles. I've had to do both - stop and drive on - and I don't know which is more difficult.

Trust your instincts, girl. You did what you needed to.

[Heidi]

Been there, done that. It is odd - this delayed reaction. I too am a helper, but once have driven by and not thought til after to stop. I felt pretty guilty about it as well. At least you didn't stop and stare disrupting the traffic completely.

[M]

Beautifully written, very compassionate and very human. You said the traffic was snarly and probably there wasn't a good place for many people to stop. Other people did stop to help and by moving on out of the area..you did help the emergency workers. Situations like that stay with you for a long time and not just because you didn't stop. It's startling and scary. This might be good motivation to take a CPR class, if you haven't already done so. More knowledge is good. You did the right thing, my sweet.

[Good & Crazy]

All of us? eh? And then there's the worry over stopping to help out (with kids in back seat) and something awful happens? It's hard.

But.

The several times I have been the ONE who needed help on the side of the road. Someone has always stopped to do it. And they always beat Triple AAA by hours! So here's my little thanks to those who do stop? That guy who changed my flat tire AND had a two year old in his truck to boot! Thanks.

[JCK]

You are being too hard on yourself.

[Carrie]

Like someone said above, there was help there. And from my vantage point, too many chefs . . . is too many cheft.

Obviously I don't have the luxury of *not* stopping when my husband is in the car (kids or not) because he's in that profession (firefighter/EMT), but I can't tell you the number of times where we were at an accident and I was more worried about the other people who didn't know what to do and ended up putting themselves in harms way way more than the actual patients my husband was tending to (all before the real help arrived). It's a scary thing - and best left to a few who know what they are doing, for everyone's sake.

You did the right thing. Now, onto what's left of summer and all the neighborly entertaining! :)

[Jen]

Ditto FranticallySimple, TootsieFarklepants, and Apathy Lounge. People were stopped and 911 had been called. If you were an EMT or MD or tow truck then maybe you would have cause to stop. Otherwise, nothing you could have really done.

But I understand that feeling of regret and the feeling that you should have done something and how it can linger. Been there, man.

Another excellent post...

[carol]

I agree there was nothing you could so to help. Where people in the van okay?

[carol]

I agree there was nothing you could so to help. Where people in the van okay?

[Nichole]

I always want to stop, too, and I always beat myself up afterward when I don't.

[Mr Furious]

Don't beat yourself up over that one. Help was already there, and unless you brought some particular skill there was no need to overcrowd the situation. Plus, EVERYONE has a cell phone now, so you can be sure that professionals were already responding to the scene