Will I ever shut the hell up about how badly Food Allergies Blow?

I know I keep going on about food allergies lately. Kindergarten is fast approaching and the fear of anaphylaxsis is pulling on me like heavy stones tied to the corners of my clothing.

To make matters worse, I had a "talk" with Fruit Bat last night just as he was about to go to sleep.

I wanted to impress upon him the importance that, if his body felt odd or tingly or itchy in any way while he was at school that he should tell a grownup. If not he might get very sick. So sick that he could die.

I have never used this word, DIE, in reference to his food allergies before. Not with him. And I probably shouldn't have done it this time. 

My concerns that, with the onset of hives or breathing issues, he'd dash into the school's boiler room to huddle in a hot, steamy corner and, you know, DIE, got the best of me.

He's generally good about his allergies. He's cautious and thoughtful. He asks questions and grasps it as well as a five-year-old could. He most likely did NOT need a reminder from me that, if he ingested a peanut his bodily systems could shut down.

But I handed it to him on a silver platter anyway. Here you go son, Something really BIG to worry about for the rest of your life.

After I said it, he looked at me, stunned. He said, "I could die? I really could?"

He seemed okay for a few minutes.

And then he started sobbing. 

He clung to me and wept and I, usually dry-eyed lately in the face of our food allergy reality, somewhat used to the fear and roiling emotions of having a child with such a hyperactive immune system, was instantly teary and regretful. 

I tried simultaneously to validate his realization and assure him that lots of people are around to help keep him safe. That he's smart and careful and that he'll be fine.

I told him I'd stay with him while he fell asleep.

I laid on the floor next to his bed and watched his expression and his eyes, filled with worry and understanding...until they closed and his features relaxed.

I'm wondering how he'll feel this morning when he wakes up. What he'll remember from our talk. How he'll do when it comes back to him in bits and pieces while he plays with his cousins, who are visiting, and runs and dances and laughs through the otherwise normal life that we've constructed.

*I was looking for an image of an exploding peanut, or a peanut with a gun held to its temple or something, to include with this post. But I found this instead. I think I need to take some.*

Comments

[bananas]

Oh Angie, I am right there with you with the kindergarten anxiety. I can't imagine having a peanut allergy thrown in to add stress! Hang in there. I think we should plan a lunch the first or second week of school to commiserate over our youngun's growing up!

[bananas]

p.s. I need some of that No-Xplode too!

[Gabrielle]

I definitely can relate - it's so hard to balance out letting your kid be a kid and letting them know how serious (deadly in this case) PA can be. I have a year until my daughter starts kindergarten. She's in a great preschool that manages her allergies so well - I am tempted to pay for their private kindergarten just for peace of mind. Hang in there.

[Must Be Motherhood]

Oh gosh. Poor little guy. Maybe imparting this kind of seriousness isn't a mistake though--if he's afraid of something that's absolutely true, he's probably safer for it. But it sux nevertheless.

[Csquaredplus3]

Sounds to me like you had to have a difficult, yet necessary conversation with your son, and you did it with compassion and sympathy. I truly understand. Good job Mom.

[Stacy (mama-om)]

Oh... wow. What a hard conversation, though it sounds like you did it with such compassion and caring. Your little boy sounds wise and brave.

I wish you guys the best entering this new phase...

[Dawn]

You handled that conversation well and it was a necessary one, when you stop and think about it. Educating our kids about their food allergies is the best thing we can do for them. My son is 13 and has a tree nut allergy which was discovered at the end of his third grade year. I immediately went into research mode and found the FAAN website which not only helped me but helped him understand his allergy and the consequences of a reaction. They have alot of information on that site and fun pages for younger kids. I am at peace with how well educated my son and his sister are about his allergy. When he is not with me, he asks the right questions and do not take any food without knowing the ingredients. Cross contamination is the biggest worry we have but if a food that is off limits to him is consumed in the house, the person eating it goes to the sink immediately and washed their hands.
I try to keep these offending foods out of the house, but they get in once in a while. My son carries an Epipen with him everwhere we go. He has one that attachs to his belt loop (found on the FAAN website). We have not (thank the good Lord) had to use one since his initial reaction. He was sort of scared after his initial reaction but got reassured after we found the FAAN website and he read some of their literature. He knows he can die due to tree nuts and without his Epipen during a reaction. I think letting him know that when we first found the allergy has helped him to appreciate the seriousness of checking all foods before consuming them.

[Parul]

That made me tear up too...my son goes to a nut free daycare right now. I can't even imagine letting him go to regular school, this must be so hard on all the families going thru it.

[Andrea's Sweet Life]

My 4 year old just started Kindergarten, and although it's her 1-year old sister who has the food allergies, I'm already freaking out. Because here in CA, it's LAW, apparently, that snacks brought for the class are STORE BOUGHT. Who would make such a freaking ridiculous law??

I just imagine telling my 5 year old daughter that she can't bring in cupcakes for her birthday like everyone else, because they don't sell egg-free, corn-free cupcakes in stores. And that she can't have any of the snacks other people bring in, EVER. It blows, I agree.

[M&Co.]

Food allergies really do suck.

[Emily R]

I say this as the mother of a peanut-butter addict. Why in the world don't they just make all schools nut-free? Is it really worth it?

[Lisa Milton]

Food allergies really do suck, but you will both find your way.

So sorry he has to carry that burden...

[Alison]

First of all, I love the title of this post! Now about the food allergy talk with your child... I find it a really difficult line between wanting to scare my child enough but not too much. It is so hard!! It seems like the accidents happen when people get confident or complacent, but yet you don't want to be paranoid all the time either.
Thanks for this story. I won't forget it.

[Miryam]

You know, if he didn't hear it from you, some kid or adult would have said it. Now, you opened the door to the next conversation, which is really the important one.

So, he could die. Now what? How does he live in this world, knowing that this is a risk he runs? (Note: he really, really probably doesn't fully understand what that means, though he may well get the big and scary aspect, the gone forever part rarely sticks in their wee heads)

We talk a lot to the Eldest about being safe so long as. So long as we have his Epis, so long as the adults around him know the deal and know what to do. So long as he's part of the team keeping him safe.

'So long as' helps empower the kid and give them standards for feeling safe vs at risk. It works.

For them, anyway. I still freak out!
(as I do, oh so gracefully, here:
http://breedingimperfection.blogspot.com/2008/08/returning-to-real-world.html
oh, well.)

[carey]

My school nurse just handed out our yearly health concerns list. Because of your recent posts, I took this a lot more seriously. I had a long discussion with my team about how critical it is that we know the allergies and keep them in mind as we work around the building. We talked about your conversation with FruitBat and as scary as it is/was for you and him, it was necessary. We hope to do parents like you proud by being aware and keeping your kids safe.

[goteeman]

oh, Angie - that's a really hard situation... so hard to know what to do as a parent sometimes, wanting to protect, but also to calm...

I think you did the right thing for what it's worth... realization and fear can be a powerful deterrant to danger...

Peace to your family, and rest...

J/

[JCK]

Oh, I'm so sorry for this tough moment. Your fears are completely rational and valid. It is very scary. But, talking to him about it is important, and you did that. It is also quite possible that he assimilated it logically and when he woke up was on to the next thing.

[Katie in MA]

What a difficult conversation to have. Even though you know you had to do it, even though you know you did it really well (okay, *we* know that, and you should, too!), it doesn't make it any easier. My 4-yr-old just had ear surgery and has to wear a cup over it for a week and stay pretty immobile. After searching for terms that would bely the importance of not running, twirling, etc, I finally told her her ear could fall off. I didn't like using such scary terms, but it seems to have worked. We never know that, though, when we're trying to choose which words to say, though, do we?

Good luck, you two. You'll both do great!

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

Scary but necessary. If your son's school is anything like mine, they take allergies very seriously and talk to all the kids about what it means for someone who is allergic and how responsible they need to be as classmates.

As much as we'd like them to be kids as long as possible, part of keeping them safe means arming them with the tools they need to help themselves.

[Nora Bee]

What a thoughtful post, and nice of you to share this intimate exchange with us.

[midwestmommy]

Poor little guy. I am new to your blog today. As a former teacher I know if a parent told me about this I would have been overly paranoid and constantly checking on him and what he was eating. Hopefully they stress to the other parents how important it is. I am not telling you this to scare you but more as a caution. I heard of a parent when I was teaching who didn't believe that a kid really had peanut allergies and thought his mom was just being ridiculous. She didn't think it was fair that her kid couldn't eat PB&J sandwiches because "Billy" had allgeries (very severe allergies). So she made a treat for the class and put peanut butter in it to test it out and see if he was. Luckily the teachers did not pass out the treats. Some people are so stupid and immature. Again I am not telling you this to scare you but I honestly could not believe that a parent would be so irresponsible and idiotic.

[Cass]

One of the kids I babysat for had food allergies and his mom was very concerned about making sure he felt "empowered" in school to say when he didn't feel well. We were talking about it one Sunday before school started and watching football and as we watched the ref pull out his "flag" and throw it on the floor lightbulbs went off. We made him a special yellow ref flag to keep in his pocket or backpack and if he ever felt funny it was his job to pull out the flag. The teacher was on board with the idea and has since done this with other little boys in her class because they see it as there "job" to listen to their bodies.

[leslie]

I am in awe of how well you manage the allergies and keep your life very normal. I am crying after reading about your pain around sharing the fatal potential with FB. I really cannot imagine. He is so lucky that you are his mom and that you are giving him the tools to make his world safe, forever!

[tinsenpup]

It's truly awful that you had to have that conversation with a five year old, but what else can you do? He really does need to know exactly how serious this is.

[becoming mommy]

I worry about this with my son too. Not peanuts, but a different food allergy of a common item.