Critique my query?

Well, hello again. Today's post is all about me and my fiction. (As opposed to the lovingly crafted missives I usually compose about Dominican orphans. (Which is not at all funny.))

As some of you know, especially if you follow my Twitter grumblings, I'm on round 56,324 two of sending my manuscript, The Mating Habits of Fireflies (formerly titled The Goodness of Meredith Beam) out to literary agents.

The query letter is very important to this process. A well written query can open the door, so to speak, can cause a busy agent to consider your work. Or it makes them gag and cross shred your dreams into their recycling bin.

Either way. You have to have a good query.

I loved my Round One query. And it had a great response ratio. Something like 50% of the agents who read it asked for partials (the first three chapters) and several even asked for fulls.

My novel has changed pretty drastically, though. So my query had to change too.

Two thoughtful women have critiqued this for me already, Bethany and Tricia. But I'd love anyone else's opinion. Especially on the section where I've summarized the plot.

So, here goes.

Dear Fancy NY Literary Agent:

Meredith Brown has always taken her goodness for granted. She’s been a respectable wife, a decent teacher to her gifted students, and a biddable daughter.

Until recently.

Overwhelmed by infertility, the responsibilities of trying to sober her mother-in-law, Leola, of a Xanax addiction, and the downturn of her relationship with her pathologically steadfast husband, Jay, Meredith does something she shouldn’t. She runs away.

Schlepping along for the ride is Jay’s brother, Brian, a mercurial slacker who has a substance abuse problem of his own and a fixation on Meredith that threatens to pull her marriage past the point of no return.

Instead of gaining the perspective she hoped for by fleeing, Meredith quickly realizes that her entire identity is at stake as she enters a labyrinth of temptation and reexamination of her black and white views of the world.

A little about me: my short stories have been published in Phoebe, The Florida Review, The Colorado Review and Night Train. The Mating Habits of Fireflies, in an earlier form, was a contender in Amazon’s Breakthrough Novel Award and received a highly favorable review from Publisher’s Weekly.

The Mating Habits of Fireflies (which I like to think falls into similar niches as The Dive from Clausen’s Pier by Ann Packer and Good Grief by Lolly Winston) is complete with a word count of 80,300.

I have enclosed a few sample pages for your perusal.

Thanks for your consideration

Angie M., Extreme Wannabe

Comments

[The Introvert]

Hope you don't mind. I'm totally saving this as an example to follow when I finally get this story out of my head and onto paper. What a great query..for a great story from what I've read. Soon I'll be able to say "I read her blog when..."

[vodkamom]

The query has been my worst enemy. But enough about me. I think your query is great. It is easy to read, has all the proper elements; and would NEVER end up in the "world's worst query" chapters of the Writer's Market.

I think it's GREAT. But that's just me.

[Michele]

Great letter. But, I'm not the best one to ask since I really don't know what literary agents are looking for in a query letter.

It does makes me want to read the book though if only to find out if Meredith's side of the family is as screwed up as Jay's. Does that help? I doubt it, sorry.

[Sheryl]

I think this is a great query. The only change I would make is to rework "the responsibilities of trying to sober her mother-in-law, Leola, of a Xanax addiction." It's a tiny bit cumbersome.

I hope you get nothing but positive responses!

[Laura in LA]

Sounds great to me! Best of Luck!!!

[Kristy]

Looks great to me! I'm curious about the title change and change of Meredith's last name.

[Jennu]

It was always my understanding that a plot summary you send to agents should give as much detail about the end as the beginning. In that one context, you're supposed to spoil the ending. Knowing exactly how it ends won't keep them from wanting to read the actual book.

What you've written would be excellent for the back of the book.

Also, the "A little about me:" could go. It's a bit cutesy and there's nothing wrong with just starting a paragraph with "My stories..." Plus, once you add more detail to the summary, you might want to trim some words.

Good luck!

[All Adither]

Hmm. From what I understand, the plot summary in the query is supposed to read like a book jacket teaser and the SYNOPSIS is where you give it all away. Not that I have anything against giving it all away in the query, but I just don't think there's space. Even with trimming a few words here and there.

[All Adither]

Kristy, I changed the last name because there is a fairly prominent woman in the Bay Area with the name of Meredith Beam. Don't know if the change was necessary, but I did it anyway.

Also, the story changed SO much that I no longer felt "The Goodness of Meredith Beam" was appropriate. That and I didn't think "The Goodness of Meredith Brown" had the same ring.

[Leslie]

I'd ask for more if I was an agent.

How many do you submit it to for this round?

[Wendy]

Have seen http://queryshark.blogspot.com/? They go over letters there, sometimes brutally. I like your letter. I agree that the "about me" and the "I think"'s could go. And I agree that you want a teaser kind of content, not telling the whole thing but giving the gist of the type of book it is, which you do. And I'd just want to make sure you have some feeling of teasing/leading/stirring interest in the plot, like with questions or something ("what would happen to a woman like this?" "where will she be drawn?" or I don't know!). You are so far ahead of me and my character backgrounds and outlining. Brava!

[becky]

I think the query is great, but I wanted to say, hee hee, Dominican orphans. LOL.

[anne nahm]

I think it looks really good. I am so excited for you and love reading about your process of getting your novel out into the market place.

[ThinMan]

In the third paragraph, do you feel that you need to have the names Leola and Jay in there? It would read more smoothly without them, don't you think?

This is probably just my own ignorance showing, but what is a biddable daughter? I'm picturing an auction, but that can't be it.

It's a great letter, Anj.

D.

[Tami]

Hi there, I am new to your sites and love that you are including your readers in helping you out with your book!
I am not an expert on writing, but have helped my english major daughter on many writing projects and am an avid reader.
A couple of thoughts from me: I have always been taught the first paragraph should be an attention grabber. You could incorporate the thought of her running away into the last sentence:
"She’s been a respectable wife, a decent teacher to her gifted students, a biddable daughter and she's running away."
I agree with Sheryl that the paragraph following is cumbersome. Could leave out the names and just mention an addiction?
I would love a little more desciption of the plot, and eliminate the phrase "more about me".
I wish you much luck and will be anxious to see where you go with this!!

[rockzee]

I have queried often and published little so take this with a grain of salt. I think it's an intriguing letter and sounds like a book I'd want to read. My only critique is that you might think about trimming some of the description. It gets a bit verbose and overrun with adjectives. And I agree with the "a little about me" only in that it seems like it needs a smoother transition.
My favorite part of all was the "Extreme Wannabe" sign off. Nice touch.
Good luck!

[Emily R]

i think it shows your voice nicely. however, you should combine some paragraphs so it isn't so choppy.

[Lisa Milton]

I'm a novice at these things, but it seems solid.

Here's hoping for some good news soon.

[Donna]

You are very brave to put this out there. I hate query letters, myself. It's probably why I write mostly personal essays - I can just send the finished product. That said, this is pretty good stuff. Specific issues of mine... 1.) I'm not quite sure what "biddable" means. 2.) I agree with a previous poster that "the responsibilities of trying to sober her mother-in-law, Leola, of a Xanax addiction" is kind of bulky. Is she really trying to sober up the m-i-l? Or is she just in a frustrating relationship coz of m-i-l's addiction? 3.) I'd change "reexamination" to "reexamines" or "is forced to reexamine," just to make the sentence more active. Or maybe you can detail here: instead of saying "black and white," you can tell us what she's choosing between: romance v marriage? join the substance abusers or remain sober? What exactly is the challenge here? 4.) Don't say you "like to think" it falls into a category. It DOES fall into the category - you know it does coz you've done your research.

It feels so rude to critique your letter when I don't even know you. But I think it's good. If it was awful, I wouldn't even try to critique. Still, what do I know? I just got my first rejection from an agent. So don't take anything I say too seriously.

Good luck, and keep us posted...

[Carrie]

Wishing you the best of luck with your queries Angie! I think it's good - attention grabbing in a good way and I'm definitely intrigued. Okay, I'm not an agent...but still - I think you keep putting it out there and the right person is going to bite. :)

[Katie]

I am a newbie and just popped over from Mrs. G's place.

I first thought I would just snoop around but well, when you asked for opinions I just had to add mine. :) Hope you don't mind, too much.

I agree with the others that it is too thick in spots. I think you have some good bones with this letter but it didn't GRAB me. I think all of the descriptions are too distracting. Pare it down and I'm sure you'll snag 'em. Also you might change the "A little about me" to something less personalized like: Publishing Notes.

Good luck and I can't wait to hear how it goes!

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

Everyone said what I was thinking. Good luck and I'm so excited for you! Will you autograph a copy for me?