The secret thoughts of moms

I just read a post over at Anne Nahm (a hilariously crass, astute and honest blog) where she confessed that one of the thoughts cycling through her head, in relation to her children's constant interruptions, was SHUTUPSHUTUPFORTHELOVEOFGODSHUTUP.

This exact line is stuck on replay in my gray matter too. And it got me thinking about other unmotherly mantras ricocheting around up there. Ricocheting around ALL of our brains.

We love our children, of course. We want them to be happy and healthy and to never find posts like this on the internet. But I'd love to hear what evil little nuggets you've come up with.

Here are a few of mine:

~ YESYESYES I SEE YOU DOING THAT THING AND I KNOW YOU THINK IT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE WORLD AND NO ONE HAS EVER COME UP WITH IT BEFORE, BUT IT'S DUMB. AND BORING. AND I DON'T WANT TO WATCH ANYMORE.

~ IF I HEAR SOMEONE SAY "MOMMY" IN A PLAINTIVE, DO-SOMETHING-FOR-ME VOICE ONE MORE TIME, I'LL WILL MYSELF TO COMBUST RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN.

~ I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT WHAT JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR BODY. NO. I DON'T.

~ SHUTUPSHUTUPFORTHELOVEOFGODSHUTUP.

~ GET THE HELL OFF ME AND DON'T EVEN GRAZE MY SKIN WITH YOUR ICE COLD PINKY TOE.

But then, because I AM a mom, and apparently that means I'm strapped into a rollercoaster car that dips and shudders and peaks and plummets all day long, I'll, seconds later, think things like:

~ just stay here another two minutes so i can inhale your scent that is not quite baby and not quite big kid, feel your warm head pressed against my cheek, gaze upon your profile that is smushed against me and that i know, in another few years, i'll never get this close to again.

~ tell me all about school and what you learned and who you played with. i want to hear everything.

~ i know you're hurting and i sincerely want to make it better.

~ you're amazing you're amazing you're amazing. and i'm so proud.

Comments

[JCK]

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPFORTHELOVEOFGODSHUTUP.

I really don't think you can top that one. I really don't.

Just the noise level gets to me sometimes. The scrreeeching. Oh, GOD the screeching at each other. And the whining. Oh...GOD, the whining.

I love them madly. And it is madness. Often.

[M]

Oh man, the life of a mother. You said it well.

[vodkamom]

and when they get older..

ICANTLOOKATYOUANDYOURBOYFRIENDWHENIKNOWYOUAREHAVINSEX

YUCKYUCKYUCKYUCK

[Chris]

Parenting IS a roller coaster ride of emotions. The intensity is difficult to describe to a non-parent.

I love Vodkamom's comment. Hysterical.

[Chris]

Parenting IS a roller coaster ride of emotions. It's difficult to describe the intensity to a non-parent.

I love Vodkamom's comment. Hysterical.

[Chris]

Oops. Sorry for the double comment. It appeared the first comment got hung-up for several minutes while trying to load (I actually went to the kitchen to refill my coffee.), so I tried to re-type it. Just FYI. People have been having trouble with my Typepad comment feature also.

[Jess]

Relevant to husband:

WTFASSHOLEWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWHATTHE...

[apathy lounge]

And stop asking for money.

[Tracy]

Wow, that is so much more to the point that the high pitched beeping I tend to hear right before my head is going to explode...

And then the roller coaster swerves and you want to eat them whole. Wait - maybe that's just to MAKE THEM BE QUIET??

THanks for the laugh

[Wendy]

how about DONTCLIMBONTOMYLAPDONTCLIMBONTOMYLAP

or her latest trick

MOVEOVERSTOPBLOCKINGMYLAPTOPMOVEOVERSTOPBLOCKINGMYLAPTOP!!

[texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana]

AMEN!

[Leslie]

GODINEEDABREAKFROMYOUGUYSWHERETHEHELLISGRANDMAWHENINEEDHERANDHOWLONGCANSHEKEEPYOUSOICANDOWHATIWANTFORACHANGE

followed within a few hours by-
ISUREMISSTHEKIDSANDWONDERHOWTHEYAREWHATARETHEYDOINGDOTHEYMISSMESHOULDICALLTHEMYESIWILLCALLTHEMABOUTTENTIMESJUSTTOMAKESURETHEYMISSMEASMUCHASIMISSTHEM

[Leslie]

I just sent this in and messed it up. Will try again:

INEEDABREAKANDWHEREISGRANDMAANDHOWLONGCANSHEKEEPYOUSOICANDOTHINGSTHATIWANTTODOFORACHANGE

a few hours later:

IWONDERWHATTHEKIDSAREDOINGISUREMISSTHEMSHOULDICALLYESIWILLCALLANDCHECKTOSEEIFTHEYMISSMEANDJUSTTOMAKESURETHEYAREHAVINGFUNANDWHATARETHEYDOINGNOWIWONDERISUREMISSTHEMITSUREISQUIETHERE

[Leslie]

You get the idea from the above. Sigh. Can't even post right when the kids are gone. :)

[Cactus Petunia]

My mother used to say (out loud) JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH! YOU KIDS ARE KILLING ME! (she was a hot headed Italian)
My own personal mantra was repeated over and over millions of times for many years when our kids were little: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. THERE'S NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE)

[kcinnova]

VodkaMom is scaring me. I have teenagers.

I confess, in my head runs the occasional loop of SHUTTHEF**KUP!! This is esp. frightening, as I don't talk like that or even normally think like that. I'm afraid that someday I will explode and actually verbalize it. Heaven help us all.

[Parul]

On a different note... i was laughing till i came across this"~ just stay here another two minutes so i can inhale your scent that is not quite baby and not quite big kid, feel your warm head pressed against my cheek, gaze upon your profile that is smushed against me and that i know, in another few years, i'll never get this close to again." and then i had tears in my eyes....you have a gift for words Angie!

[Alexis]

Have you ever seen Louis CK do his routines on parenting? They are screamingly funny! (His other stuff is pretty obscene, so if you shock easily, don't watch them!)

[Leslie]

My boys drive me so crazy at times that I toy with the idea of selling them on Ebay and then taking the money I get and running away to spa - in Italy. But then like you said - they turn around and do or say something so dang cute and precious that I just want to scoop them up and have them surgically attached to my body.

[Kim]

To my older daughter:
STOPTOUCHINGMEDON'TKISSMETHEREQUITRUBBINGONME.GET!AWAY!
She's a touchy-feely kid who likes to kiss and rub against my flabby upper arms and I have to restrain the urge to backhand her into the wall. And then she helps her younger brother get a cup of water or something, and I wonder over how lucky I am to have such a sweetie.
For my son:
FORTHELOVEOFGODIFIHEARMOMMYDOITONEMORETIMEI'MRUNNINGAWAYTOAUSTRALIAANDYOU'LLNEVERGETYOURBUTTWIPED!
At first I thought it was so cute that he was a momma's boy. OVER IT NOW!
And the baby? Well, so far she's just perfect. Give her some time.

[MommyTime]

Oh, the whining voice of need. It's an absolute killer, isn't it?

And then they do something like lift up their little hands and stroke the hair gently out of your eyes while you're lying down (for the umpteenth time) with them to help them fall asleep, and it's impossible to be irritated at all...

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm sorry to have missed sending you the good wishes a few days ago. But I hope it was wonderful!

[Lulu]

WHEREISHEANDWHYHASNTHECALLED!
ISHELYINGINADITCHSOMEWHEREOMG!

Life with a teenage son.

[anne nahm]

Thank you for the link - zomg, you are famous and I bask in the reflected glory of all those reading you.

And holy cow, not one of your readers (knock wood) says I'm going to Hell in a CPSmobile. I think I'm going to move in over at your place - it's much nicer here.

[KDC]

I have a teenage son, who walks through the house baying for me: MOM? MOM? MOM? MOM? MOM! MOM? MOM!! MOM!!! MOM? Doesn't matter how many times I've patiently counseled him to just come find me instead.

So yeah, I have many days when I think that if I hear "MOM" one more time, I'm going to take off someone's head.

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

Those are all great! I love Anne, her writing often makes me laugh out loud. My son is chatty (as was I according to my mom and gramma). Out of desperation I've asked him to please, pretty please stop talking for just 5 minutes. We've played the quiet game. I've made him sit still the way he has to in his martial arts class before they bow. Sometimes the sound of his voice makes me want to tear my hair out. But right now my biggest complaint is WHYTHEHELLCAN'TYOUGETTHEPEEINTHETOILET? I'm about ready to make him sit down to pee until his aim gets better.