The giant in me

There's this girl. She goes to Fruit Bat's school. She's in second grade, I think, but looks like she's in fourth. She's tall for her age. Tall like I was. She's big boned too.

A few days ago we passed her on the playground. Her arms were linked through the arms of a few friends'.

I heard her say, evenly, "I'm not a giant."

And as we walked by, my heart pulled in tight and held there. 

She spoke as if being called a Giant didn't hurt. But I wasn't fooled.

Now that I'm 40 (gulp), height questions and observations and jabs don't bother me much. But they used to. When I was in eighth grade, I was 5'11" and weighed 95 pounds.

And my skin, thin as curling jasmine leaves, rippled with every thoughtless comment.

I know we all suffered in junior high (not to mention before and after). I know our hair wasn't right and our clothes were all wrong and we said stupid things, things that made us want to crawl into lockers and hide under bleachers.

But when you tower so, you cannot fit in lockers or under bleachers. You cannot hide. You cannot hope to blend, even for a moment, with kids your own age.

Kitty Cat, who is three until March, is constantly mistaken for a kindergartner. She's going to get it too: The "How's the Weather up there?" and the boys standing conspicuously on tiptoe as she walks by and the stupid, unoriginal questions. 

I can only hope she finds it tedious rather than painful. I can only build her up now, tout the benefits of extreme height (you can reach things! you can see at concerts! when it comes time for dating, your being just shy of six-three separates the boys from the men quickly! there's no wasted time! you'll see! It's great!)

I have to believe this girl at Fruit Bat's school has a woman in her life who understands. Who can talk to her. Who will convince her that she's strong and capable and lovely.

Otherwise I may just have to pull her aside and do it myself.

Comments

[all things BD]

I'm in a slightly smaller boat than you. I'm 5'10", and my girls are gearing up to hit 6'. My 3rd grader looks like a 5th grader, and my kinder looks like a 2nd grader. So far, they are proud of how tall they are, but I'm dreading the day (first day of middle school I'm guessing) when they will start viewing it as a detriment. So far, being tall has translated into being a leader, and I've been championing that view for all it's worth.

[BethanyWD]

Gosh, I've thought the same thing about other kid-related self-esteem issues, too. I wore a back brace for three years in middle school, and THANK GOODNESS, I didn't realize until later how cruel my classmates were about it. (There is a good blog post in this drama, I JUST KNOW IT.)

My three year old daughter (she'll be 4 in May) in impossibly tall, too, for her age. I think she's 42-43 inches tall right now. She is easily the size of some of my kindergartner's classmates. Right now, the biggest issue is that people that don't know her expect her to ACT like a 5 year old. Unfortunately, sometimes she's a CLASSIC 3 year old, tantrums and all.

I just wish we could protect them all the time. Sigh.

[mrs.chicken]

I was tall, too, although not as tall as you. It wasn't easy.

My girl is always mistaken for an older child, has been since she was two. I remember one incident at a public pool when one mother gave me the hairy eyeball because she was wearing a diaper -- then I told her that my daughter's age. Shock and awe ensued.

The girl is on track to be 6 feet tall, give or take an inch. I hope she can embrace her stature, and I know it is up to me to help that happen.

Thank you for giving me a window into how it might be for her.

[inthefastlane]

I am not tall, but have always wished I was thinner, even though I am not fat. And middle school was horrible. And is middle school horrible for all girls?

My daughter is just about done with middle school and she is beautiful. Much more so than I ever was. And I know she still has struggles. And it is the convincing that they are strong and capable and lovely that is so important. "convincing" is the key, because they still have to believe.

[40licious]

It's useless to compare trauma on any kind of scale. Childhood trauma is just that, no matter what the issue. It's a rite of passage. In fact, the people I saw at my 20th HS reunion who had it easy? They've become shallow and stupid adults.

[Katie in MA]

I'll give ya a dollar if you do it yourself anyway.

I'm the opposite extreme - I'm 5foot-even. I've always been the shortest. I've never been able to reach anything. Finding men who weren't so tall it made a kiss of any decent length uncomfortable, well that was just plain difficult.

But the thing is, I had my mom. My mom - who is 5'2" - taught me early that "it's better to be a shrimp than a whimp" and filled me with stories of how much fun she had proving everyone she could be athletic and a pint-sized superhero.

Without her? I have no idea where my shredded self-confidence would be.

But you know all this! Go with your gut and make a passing comment to the girl, one co-consirator to another, that lets her know you understand and you're open to talking her through it if she needs it.

[Leslie]

I wish someone had told me when I was 5'9 and a D cup in 5th grade that life would be ok, that I wasn't a freak...someone who wasn't my mom, who I assumed had blinders on and said what her heart told her to say. I have told a couple of girls stories of my youth with the hopes that it will give them some perspective. Even a little positive word can make a difference. Tell her something great about being tall and how lucky she is....or whatever YOUR heart tells you to say.

[Miss Kris]

My beautiful sister, who is 6' tall, didn't have a tall woman role-model growing up. She got her height from my dad. She grew up hating her height, playing sports even though she hated it, and resenting me because I was petite. It wasn't until college that she started to learn to love herself and her height.

Kitty Cat is lucky to have you as a role model.

[Jennifer]

I'm 5'11 and have been since 7th grade (and I definitely wasn't 95 pounds - I might weigh less now than I did then). Honestly, middle school sucked. High school wasn't much better. I still remember so many of the comments I used to get. In 5th grade a tiny girl in my class asked me how I liked having to wear adult clothes. When I started high school, some girls in my class thought I was a senior. I can't count the number of times I've been asked if I play basketball or volleyball (no! I'm horribly unathletic.. Just wasted height, I'd tell them)

I'm 23 and just recently stopped hating that I tower over everyone. Once I discovered jeans with 35 inch inseams, life wasn't so bad, but I still wish I could wear cute heels more often without looking like I was on stilts.

[Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommy]

I'm short. I don't clear 5' 5". I was supposed to be taller. Standing with my family (mom 5' 7", dad 6' 4", brother 6' 6", husband 6' 3") I feel like a midget. I get short jokes and always have to ask my husband to get things off shelves. I compensate with high heels. You're right to offer advice. We never know how much of an effect we can have on someone. One kind word can have a lasting impression.

[JCK]

I don't know if this is true, but it appears as if being tall and female is now a cool thing. And not that uncommon. Wherever I go I see teenage girls, sometimes groups of them, that are at least 5'10".

It sounds like it was very difficult for you being tall. I cringed when you were describing how there was no place to hide. I hope that your daughter does not have that experience.

[MommyTime]

I was the tallest kid in my class until the summer between 7th and 8th grade when all the boys had growth spurts and finally got taller than me. But in the end, I am only 5'9", so I didn't get the cruel jokes you got. I do hope you say something to this girl at Fruit Bat's school -- it could be such a small thing. I had a friend once whose name was Cora. She always hated what she thought was an old-fashioned name. In middle-school, she met a gorgeous together, grown-up, kind woman in a elevator, stared at her admiringly, and then learned that this glamorous strangers' name was Cora too! She loved her name forever after that. I'll bet that women doesn't remember the encounter, but my friend recalls it 25 years later. If you get an opportunity to make a connection with this tall girl, it will surely make more of an impression because you are not her mother. I say go for it!

[Leslie]

MommyTime--Cora was on the short list of girls' names I had picked out. It was my great-aunt's name and I love it. Tell your friend that if you want...although then she'll know you are telling her story on the internet....well...if it ever comes up in conversation...

Ang-this topic has been on my mind all day today as I watch the kids walk to and from school....wondering what their challenges are and who their true role models are. Very interesting, thanks for bringing it up.

[Debbie]

If the opportunity is there again, go ahead and talk to her. It may be the words of encouragement she needs right now.

[The Introvert]

Geez. And I was always envious of you tall, thin girls. With a mother who is 4'11", I was lucky to make it to 5'4". But you're right. We all had our insecurities. I was the only third grader wearing a bra.

[kcinnova]

A positive word from you could make all the difference in her life.

[christy]

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately - though my daughter is only five months old, she's already being mistaken for a baby much older...she's off the charts in height and weight - taking after her very broad shouldered six foot four dad. I worry that she'll be expected to do more, earlier. Ugh. You said it so well; I hope I'm able to instill the confidence in her so that when she's older she feels these types of comments are tedious rather than painful.

[BOSSY]

Oy. Bossy hears you. Even up this high, she hears you.

[Carrie]

With you for a mom, she's going to be just fine!

[Vanessa]

I have a tall daughter also. She's been the tallest in her class every year since starting school, and this year, as a fourth-grader in a mixed fourth/fifth-grade class, she's still the tallest, although not by as much as usual. The main issues for us have been a.) people expecting her to act older because she looks older, and b.) not being able to do age-appropriate things because she's too tall. The latter's not as much of a problem now, since at 10 she's too cool to want to play in the Ikea playland or ride in the fire-engine shopping cart at the supermarket, but there were many disappointments when she was younger.

As for being tall itself, though, she's always loved that, and no one has ever teased her that I know of. I don't know if that will persist as she gets older, but I hope it does. I was very small all the way through junior high (I finally grew in ninth grade and ended up more or less average at 5'6" -- daughter gets her height from her dad) and I did get tons of nasty comments about it. Yuck.

[Jennifer]

I kept thinking about your post as I was reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Tall-Book-Celebration-Life-High/dp/1596913088/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251745717&sr=8-1

If you haven't read it already, you definitely should. Every tall girl should read it. I finished it with a smile on my face, feeling lucky to have been blessed with great height.