Evolution

So...

I've gotten a few emails lately, and sighs of concern from friends who read my blog. Good people wondering if I might be depressed, if I'm okay. 

I thought I'd lay things out here, in an incomplete and sketchy way, about the kind of stuff I've been writing lately. And why.

My blog has deviated quite a bit from where it started. In the beginning, I wanted a place to post my fiction. I wanted a url I could point to and say, It's all here. Everything I'm proud of.

Then, once I started, I got caught up in blogging for its own sake. I thought I might like to be a career blogger. I concluded, I can write...I can blog! For a living!

I tried to be amusing. Because I can be. I like to be. In fact, I think you'd find me smiling just as often, if not more, than you'd find me furrowing my brow.

With my blog, I worried too much about stats and clicks and unique visitors and all but forgot the fiction (which has been a pure, unconditional love throughout my life and which does not deserve the cold shoulder).

A few months ago, I turned 40. I think this fact has less to do with my recent brooding than my husband insists. But I'm willing to contend that it may play a small part. I'm pretty sure, and I may be wrong, but I think I'm expressing my angst because, well...there's room for it now.

There's been no room for the past six to seven years. I got married at 32. I got pregnant very, very quickly. I had a hard time being pregnant, both physically and emotionally. Then I had a newborn, who grew into a toddler. And when he was 15 months old, I got pregnant with my daughter.

It's been pregnancy, babyhood and toddlerdom for the past, yeah, 7 years.

I'm not looking for sympathy here, believe me. I know I'm lucky. No fertility issues. A difficult birth for Fruit Bat, who was born blue and had to be resuscitated, but overall healthy children.

I am one, though, who needs a lot of room to think, to question. Rumbling happily and resignedly down a straight path is not in my DNA. Spending the bulk of the past several years in a house with children who rarely let me sit down, much less form a meaningful thought, has been tricky for me.

Now, though, they are both in school. Fruit Bat does full day K. Kitty Cat goes to a sweet preschool 4 mornings a week. And this has opened up a space in me that...that I didn't realize how much I missed.

There has also been the issue of my manuscript, which I've been toiling on and tinkering with since 2000. A handful of agents have it right now. One even sounds semi-serious about representing me, but I'm still waiting for the final word. I get feedback along the lines of, You have a nice style, but I just didn't fall in love with the writing.

If ever there's been more vague and less constructive criticism, I'd like to hear about it.

Anyway, this string of rejections has been ill-timed (as if there would ever be a good time). Coinciding with my newfound space to mull (which I like and I need and I cannot cram into some cubby hole in my brain while I busy myself so much that I won't notice it) and with, I guess, the fact that I'm halfway through my life without a book published yet.

There has, also, been some marital rockiness that is unbloggable, but, I think, understandable given the whirlwind of the past several years.

I've recently been hired to write for a website for moms. (More details on that to come). And they want, from me, the funny parenting stories, the amusing anecdotes. So those have a place there. I don't feel like I have it in me to also do that here.

All Adither, for better or worse, has become more experimental. Perhaps more angsty than it used to be. It has become a forum, again, for my fiction. 

I'm really enjoying writing Greener Grass. My traffic has dropped, my comments have slowed. But I'm happier with what I'm posting here.

Half Assed Kitchen, meanwhile, has grown quite a lot. It's my lighthearted spot in which I can be little bit funny and make a pittance money off the necessity of my spending gobs of time in the kitchen anyway (being a mom and all).

Is All Adither less entertaining than it used to be? Probably. Am I going to twist my observations and thoughts into posts that are quippy and fun? Not here, not now.

This place is what I need it to be. It'll evolve as I do.

And I'm grateful to those of you who've stuck with me through this and those of you who've inquired into the state of my well being.

It means a lot. It truly does.

Comments

[Pam]

So Angie, I dont really read you for the fun anecdotes... i come here because you actually write about how you are feeling, not the sugar coated version of the truth...
You seem to be the only person who tells me that its ok to have a outwardly perfect life and still not be content all the time.... that i am not the only one out there who is looking for something more, maybe... dont know if that makes sense, but hey, i'm not the writer here :)
P.S. I love the "Greener Grass"..

[Chris]

I've been following you for almost a year. This post describes exactly what I've assumed was going on in your life. Others have reminded me when I have angst about my blog that, "It's just a blog," or "It's YOUR blog, do what you want." It's refreshing and encouraging to see you doing with yours, exactly what you want.

Keep us posted on your manuscript. Fingers crossed for you.

[BethanyWD]

I love "Greener Grass", too.

You can't blog for the sake of blogging, you have to WRITE what comes to you - and right now, it's this.

I stopped writing for "them" (worrying about pages views, comments) awhile ago and now write only when I have time, energy and something to say. I write so much for my 8-5 job, that sometimes I'm tapped out.

(PS. Hopefully you're not dropping the recipes, I love those!)

[Heidi]

Angie! I don't know you but I wish I did. I found your blog only a few months ago, so I don't know what it was, but I love what it is! I love your honesty. I love the variety of topics you cover in your posts. I love the fiction. Keep it up. Think of me as the blogger equivalent of a good friend who supports you.

[The Introvert]

I'm enjoying "Greener Grass". In fact, I actually look forward to it. But I know what you mean. It's your blog. You can write whatever you want. I've had comments and readers drop off too, and I didn't have as many as you to begin with. My problem is I have so much to write about, but nothing I can blog about. I'm not one of those bloggers who alienates their loved ones by talking too much. So for now, I'll just write trite, meaningless blog posts :)

[Nora]

Go you! I know what you mean about now there is space to angst.

[Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

Delurking to say I think everyone's blog goes through some sort of evolution. Our sites are what we need them to be, when we need them to be it. You can really tell who your friends are by the ones who stick with you through all the stages.

[Kristy]

It sounds like you have a good grip on where you are, and I can't see anything wrong with using this space to talk through some of the things going on. I feel you on the non-stop mothering thing. Four babies in 11 years! There are days when I think that if I didn't have such a happy marriage, I would totally run away. So if there's marital stuff going on, too, I know that's extra hard.

Really enjoying Greener Grass!

[Laura]

Several months ago I read a comment you posted on Cakewrecks, which linked to Half Assed Kitchen, which linked to All Adither. Not being much of a cook, I don't go back to Half Assed very much. On the other hand, I have a newsfeed for All Adither on my Yahoo homepage and check for new posts every day. I came to this blog about a month before you started writing Greener Grass, and that fiction story has kept me biting my nails for more. I think your fiction writing is where it's at, sister! And your honest posts about marriage and kids just sweeten the deal. Keep it up!

[Laura in LA]

Love your honesty. There seems to be so little of it these days.

[Jennu]

I've been enjoying Greener Grass, though I am curious about the choice to publish your fiction on your blog instead of somewhere where you could get paid for it. (My nonfiction writing teacher tells all her students that many publications want to buy first rights and consider anything that's been on your blog to be already published, so they'll either pass, or only pay for reprint rights, which is much less.)

I'm trying to start a family now and what you're saying about not having a moment to form a complete thought in 7 years is exactly what I worry about happening to me. Fortunately, my husband agrees that we should hire a babysitter or daycare for a few hours a day so I can get some writing done. I'm already trying to make a living at it, so that helps as far as making it a priority.

[MSH]

I have been an occasional reader for the past few years, and much more engaged lately. I think your readership will evolve with your style. Keep it up. I have really appreciated the last month or so of posts.

[Leslie]

Being a real flesh-and-blood friend of yours (that I do not see nearly often enough)is awesome in itself. I look forward to your blogs so much because I am at a very similar stage in my own life and don't have the ability to say what I am feeling nearly as eloquently as you do. I feel every time I read your blog, I am either getting or giving a virtual hug. Keep on truckin' sister, it rocks.

[inthefastlane]

FYI - I LOVE reading Greener Grass. I have read every one. But, I do find it a lot harder to comment on fiction because I feel like I would be saying the same thing every time. But, I am reading, but usually just through my reader.

[janet]

Okay. I'll start reading again. I stopped because I didn't like your novel, and I felt conflicted about that. I can't give you any constructive criticism, because I'm no expert. It's just that I didn't find myself interested enough in the characters to want to find out more about them. Sorry. I like your blog writing a lot, wheather it's happy or sad. And I love HAK.

[Pez]

Angie, I have been reading here since you posted your link in WA-FEAST. I am sorry that I do not comment often. Still here reading and I know that you write is coming straight from the heart, wheather it be happy or sad.

[Half Assed Kitchen]

Jennu, See how much I love you guys? I'm writing a story just for you!

Also, it's incredibly hard to make money with fiction. Especially short fiction. I think I've made a total of $75 on my short stories. I'm just writing this for the joy of it.

Janet, Are you an agent? You sound like an agent.

[Kerri Anne]

I don't know what else to say beyond this is your space, write what you want (and need) to. Also: I'm so excited to meet you in July.

[kcinnova]

I'm addicted to Greener Grass. There, I've said it!
I browse through HAK -- I confess to not being much of a cook, but you have inspired a few dinners around here.
I don't think I have angst about being in the over-40 crowd, but I do know about worrying some people with what I post. When I have shared a glimpse into my darker side, I get worried e-mails asking if I'm okay.

[Lisa]

I came to your blog not too many months ago via HAK and love it (love both HAK and AA). If I kept a blog its content would look very similar these days. Heidi (above) already said what I'd say, so ditto that!

[The Dreamer]

I love Greener Grass. I check your site often waiting for a new chapter. I may not comment, but I'm always reading.

[janet]

I'm not an agent. I don't think. What's an agent do? Or was that a joke? (Told you - I'm no expert. Just a stay at home Gramma)

[jenn]

I think you're a fantastic writer... I'm enjoying reading Greener Grass because the character reminds me a lot of myself (except that she slept with her neighbor and got pregnant and took off for NY, I wouldn't ever do anything like that, but I'm very interested to see how it plays out.)

But personally, too, I think you and I are probably going through a lot of the same stuff. This parenting stuff is soooo much harder than it looks. So you write here whatever you need to, and I'll read it and I'll try to come up with something of pith and import to say about it. Sending hugs from the East coast...

[jenn]

Also, I wondered if you were perhaps a little depressed too, or if something was going on, but didn't want to ask figuring it was none of my bidness, as we say in the South.

[Stacy (mama-om)]

I've been along for the ride... and plan on staying around, too.

I'll be 40 next year. :)