I lose it this weekend. It doesn't happen often. But when it does it is ugly and sad and I weep and bury my head in my hands and insist that everything is too much. The kids! The chaos. The someone always needing something.
The animalness of Fruit Bat and Kitty Cat. The curious, babblyness of them. And I start to cry and have to go upstairs. But guilt sets in and I come down too soon and I am still not right. And am I scaring the children? I am scaring J., I know.
Fresh, hot tears and tension and anxiety.
Finally, I agree to drive around Seattle looking at ovens (we need one).
Talking to appliance sales people, one who is insufferable and one who tells me I don't look like I eat much fried chicken (if only she knew), but that if I ever DO want to make some, she has the perfect hood for the job. I feel better. More human. I almost, almost enjoy myself.
Back at home my throat closes in again. I try conversing with J. but have to stop because both kids are all over us. Talking and shrieking and laughing loudly. They're healthy, I think. They're fine. They're just boisterous. They're just 4 and 6. Why am I so ungrateful? Why can't I just enjoy this? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I look at Fruit Bat and Kitty Cat and think I made them. In my body. And I love them. And I'm so proud of who they are and what they've accomplished so far.
I clean bathrooms and we roast pumpkin seeds and this should be enough. But where is my serotonin? and please let this be hormonal and let it go away soon. Because I am not doing this very well and I am scaring everyone. Including myself.
Oh, hon. I've been where you are, I think. Strength to you and know that I admire you for always speaking the truth, your truth, our truth.
Posted by: slouchy | October 25, 2009 at 10:55 AM
I understand. I adore my children. Would give my life for them [have in many ways], but there is nothing, NOTHING, more difficult than mothering young kids, being a wife/partner, and trying to feed our own souls and brains. Oprah says it all the time, but WE live it. You're okay. You really are. I have fragile days, weekends, weeks, [uglier than yours, I'm afraid], but somehow the serotonin returns and I gather all my shit and life goes on, and I'm amazed that my kids and my husband still love me. I'm certain that you're loved and adored too. Hang in there.
Posted by: Chris | October 25, 2009 at 11:25 AM
Big hugs! Bah. So you had a bad day. So what? We all have them at varying degrees and intensity. Big deal. You're human, you're a fantastic mother who loves her children intensely. You are definitely allowed a lousy day. What really impresses me is that you managed to go drive around Seattle looking at flipping ovens when you obviously felt like crap. I give you a great big round of applause and admiration for that. Are you scaring your kids? Sure, but just wait till they're in junior high and you take them to the mall. Now that's real damage. LOL
They know you love them. Shoot, I know you love them and you've never even made me a nut free snack. Personally I think you should blame it on the weather and the Alaska Way Viaduct issue. You're completley normal. Now go freshen up that pink stripe and have a glass of wine. ;-)
Posted by: LeSan | October 25, 2009 at 12:31 PM
This SO reminds me of curling up on the bathroom floor and crying and crying. Serotonin, for sure..we didn't know that word then. It has fallen as deep as that gorge near Seattle. You are a wonderful mom..you are a wonderful parent...what...you want them to grow up and think everything is always just dandy. This is life..and you are living it. Sending you hugs.
So, what are you looking for in an oven!! : )
Posted by: M | October 25, 2009 at 02:28 PM
A cavity large enough to stick my head in. :0)
Posted by: All Adither | October 25, 2009 at 02:38 PM
Some days it's funny when they run through the kitchen 112 times while I'm making dinner. Some days, not so much. Why can't we have time outs, too?
Posted by: Trout Towers | October 25, 2009 at 05:36 PM
I have plenty of scary moments...serotonin is so important....but on those days when it is absent, watch out. Damn hormones, damn darkness.....damn it all. But to know it is going to pass--that is the wisdom we have gained through all the years of going a little nutso now and again. XOXO
Posted by: Leslie | October 25, 2009 at 05:49 PM
Daring girl,
I'm sorry for what you are going through, it seems so magnified and weird, but I'm sure it's pretty normal. I get that way, all screwy and pins and needles and then I realize that either I'm PMSing (after I've basically rejected everything and everyone) or that I haven't been to yoga in a while.
Are you exercising? Hard?
Love. V.
Posted by: Vanessa McGrady | October 25, 2009 at 06:32 PM
I meant to say "darling" girl, but instead I wrote "daring," which applies as well.
Posted by: Vanessa McGrady | October 25, 2009 at 06:32 PM
Many days it is not easy. I know how you feel, about the demanding and neediness -- it is draining. I lost it 2 weeks ago over some stupid banking mistake. I was crying and sobbing and hubby didn't get it. I'm sure hormones were involved, but it just seemed to reflect bigger anxieties, you know? Like everything I was doing was a mistake.
What I'm saying is simply I know precisely how you feel. And you are a good and loving mother. And it is good for you kids to see you are human. Hang in there.
Posted by: Life in Eden | October 25, 2009 at 06:53 PM
Wow. Mine are 5 and 4 and I completely get this. Right there with you, sister.
Posted by: Oh, The Joys | October 25, 2009 at 07:19 PM
I remember that feeling too - the overwhelming - just give me myself, not wanting to be so needed, but WANTING to be so needed! You just need to take some time. And are you scaring the kids? Well, probably no - but they do need to see how to deal with things. Kids need to see examples of sadness, or frustration and then see how you recover from it - they need those examples. Too many feel that kids need this happy, perfect little world and, while that would be nice - it is to their advantage to see how people can cope, how they deal with real life stuff! how to accept their emotions, accept them, deal with them and then recover.
And I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but it is true - they will grow up and you will miss those younger years and you will have a WHOLE new set of things to lose it about ( my daughter is 14! 14 :0!!!! Whole NEW set of emotions - we play off of each other monthly!)- give them a hug, and then go out for a drink or dessert with a friend! Take a walk while they get some precious daddy time. You've heard the old mantra - take care of yourself, so you can take care of them!
Posted by: JJ | October 26, 2009 at 06:19 AM
Yes. I know.
Posted by: MSH | October 26, 2009 at 08:32 AM
Big hug, Ang. I don't know you, but I know I'd like you if I did. Try to cut yourself a break. You sometimes sound so hard on yourself. That said, I COMPLETELY understand.
I am also not sure how I feel about us writing off our feelings to hormones. I completely know that feeling too, but still in some ways it sounds like we're undermining our feelings.
Posted by: Heidi | October 26, 2009 at 06:25 PM
It was at this point, when I had 4 kids ages toddler through 3rd grade, that I realized I needed a bit of hormone therapy. It has done wonders for me. I still have those dark, dreary, depressing days in mid-winter, but I no longer lose it quite so badly. And when I do lose it (often enough) I am not in the sucking whirlpool, unable to climb out...
Parenting is hard. Giving birth after growing a human inside can change a body in more ways than just stretch marks. Be kind to yourself, Angie. ♥
Posted by: kcinnova | October 26, 2009 at 11:24 PM
Thank you, thank you, thank you, you lovely, supportive human beings. Your comments helped get me through a rough few days.
Thank you for sharing your personal stories and viewpoints. It means more than words.
Posted by: All Adither | October 27, 2009 at 07:46 AM
This post resonates so strongly with so many of us! What you write of, is so hard to put into words - or maybe the words aren't so difficult, but to actually let them loose. The feeling of your skin crawling if one more child touches you. I know. Oh, I know.
It will pass. But, take that time. It will be rich for all of you.
Sending hugs.
Posted by: JCK | October 27, 2009 at 08:57 PM
oh yes, I have had days like this. On a lighter note, I linked to your blog on our new blogroll, I like your site very much. About ovens - I just bought one - an Aga - which I do NOT recommend at all, but also had a Viking, which I do recommend, if you are going for a high-end thing. Oven-shopping is a complete pain, I agree, let me know if you have a question, maybe I can answer it! Good luck and keep posting!!
Posted by: jerilyn | October 28, 2009 at 10:15 AM
I completely understand.
Hence, going to bed last night BEFORE the kids.
Posted by: Carrie | December 08, 2009 at 11:14 AM