I took Fruit Bat and Kitty Cat to a pumpkin patch yesterday. The sky was low and gray, the weather nondescript. No breeze. No raindrops. Nothing except a nip in the air.
And my children? They couldn't have been better. More cooperative. More precious.
It was quiet, the pumpkin patch, but there were a few other small groups. One was a mother with three toddlers. She was overwhelmed. Beyond overwhelmed. She reminded me of myself last Saturday. The abundant mud drove her nuts. Her kids could do nothing right. They were too loud, too exuberant, too dirty. While part of me wanted to send her telepathic messages to relax and remember that outside, on a farm for God's sake, was the perfect place for whooping and getting grimy, another part of me understood completely.
There are days (weeks, months) when you're at your limit and attempting an outing of that magnitude puts you over the edge. You do it, because you think the kids will enjoy it and that you should, after all, take them to a pumpkin patch in October. When what you really ought to do is find help so you can sit in a bean bag chair with a giant mug of something hot. Alone.
As I watched her, and listened to her (dear dog, did I have to listen to her) I felt so much on the other side of my foul mood Saturday. Like I actually had a choice to embrace my good fortune or not. Last weekend, there was no choice. I was at the bottom of a well. As close as I ever come to depression.
I've made no secret of the fact that weekends are hard for me. That J. and I often fall into a strange groove of deferring to the other or fighting for control of how the household will run. Last weekend was a little (okay a lot) of both. Less symbiotic and more judgmental and argumentative. That's not how either of us want to be. And then there are the kids, wanting and needing me, when what I crave is a day to move at my own pace.
One thing, too, I never considered about motherhood, when I was young and considering motherhood, was that it would turn me into a nag. Not even nagging J. really. While we have our issues, I don't think nagging is on his list of what bugs him about me. But nagging the kids. To brush their teeth and get dressed and eat and clear dishes and turn off lights and wash their own damn grapes because I'm tired of being in the kitchen. I never thought of myself as nit-picky and annoying, but that's often what I feel I've become. I hate that particular version of myself.
Maybe the woman at the pumpkin patch was thinking the same thing: I hate being like this, yet I can't stop because it's kind of a vortex that sucks you in and how will these kids survive if I don't protect them from the dirt and untied shoes and their own exhilaration?
All I know for sure is that the pumpkin patch did the opposite for me. It helped save me from that Angie. I got to hang with my kids and let them get grungey and yell and run. And I enjoyed every second of it.
What a delightful post. It is so good to hear you feeling better. I laughed and chuckled knowingly several times while reading this. I identified with all of it. Naggy pumpkin patch mom and all.
My son is grown now and though I still fret and frequently convinced that I ruined his childhood with my glaring failure as a mother, the fool child still loves me more than the sun itself. It so funny how when we talk now all I want to do is apologize and try to explain myself. I want to take back every harsh word and impatient moment. He on the other hand wants to raise his future children exactly the same way he was because he thinks he had the best childhood ever. He actually thanks me...frequently.
The point is you're going to mess them up you're going to fail and they're going to love you all the way through.
Yeah, yeah. I know kind of preachy. Sorry. It's just that when I read about how much you love your children it really makes me miss the little version of my son. And I thank you for that. :-)
Posted by: LeSan | October 30, 2009 at 12:51 AM
Up and down the long, bumpy, muddy road we go.
Posted by: M | October 30, 2009 at 04:24 AM
Weekends are hard. No question. The rhythm that's been familiar for the last five days (the structure, too) just falls away. Everyone has expectations, and they can't all be met.
But I'm glad that you found a bit of peace.
Posted by: slouchy | October 30, 2009 at 05:35 AM
Sometimes I think this is what we are supposed to learn through parenting. The experience is shared and complicated--not something we do alone or simply. That mom at the pumpkin patch? I totally would have judged her for being incompetent and mean. Then I had kids. Now I see her and think, "oh hell, that looks like a really hard day."
Thank you for posting about all the complex, hard and messy parts. You're a wonderful mother.
Posted by: MSH | October 30, 2009 at 01:09 PM
Awesome post.
There are times when I see myself from outside, and think "I am being THAT woman." Sometimes it makes me stop and chill.
Posted by: Susan (Trout Towers) | October 31, 2009 at 04:53 AM
I wish my children would move out again already, so I can quit nagging them. They're 29 and 25, and both have moved back home "temporarily". Both adults, both have lived on their own, and yet, neither washes dishes (other than their own), cleans the bathroom, or buys toilet paper...AND they drink my wine!
I hate being a nag...where did I go wrong?
Posted by: Cactus Petunia | November 01, 2009 at 08:28 PM
When we slip into the vortex, there's no logic. It sucks. Literally.
"...wash their own damn grapes..." I had to laugh when I read this. We all get tired of doing the same thing, over and over and over. Just when I sit down, one of the kids needs SOMETHING from me. It's exasperating.
Posted by: Chris | November 03, 2009 at 08:47 AM
Nicely said! I didn't get to the pumpkin patch this year and the kids didn't even notice. In past years I have carved 7, 8, 9 pumpkins to try to give them a great Halloween--this year, I let myself off the hook knowing that we had a great one anyway. For goodness sake, I went into labor in a pumpkin patch with S! :) Glad you had a good day. October was one long weekend, and I am so very glad it is over, for I also do not like weekends very much.
Posted by: Leslie | November 04, 2009 at 05:38 PM
A 4-star post, Angie -- I've been both kinds of mommy, and I understand both of them.
Back in the days of babysitting and nanny-ing, it was so easy to be the fun one. I didn't have the additional worries of what to serve for supper, how to get that stain out of those pants, or wonder when I would ever get the rest I needed. Parenthood definitely makes the fun mommy a challenge to recreate.
Posted by: kcinnova | November 04, 2009 at 10:41 PM