Enormity

There was a summer evening several years ago, when I was pregnant with Fruit Bat--so newly pregnant that the awful seasickness hadn't yet begun--and J. and I were at an outdoor party on a rolling estate.

I was seated at a table of attorneys. About ten of them. They spoke legal. Telling lawyerly stories I could sort of (just barely) follow. Follow, that was, until J. spewed out a latin phrase. He made everyone at the table laugh uproariously. Except me.

I sat there dumbly, the only one who didn't get the joke. I'm not sure if I've felt so stupid and out of my element since. I was just a poorly-compensated graphic designer for a stuffy inflight magazine, after all.

And now I think, but I was something. People respected me for my layouts and gave me mostly positive feedback. They gave me paychecks, too.

Being a mom is not nothing, of course. It's an enormous responsibility. An enormous privilege. 

When you stay home with your kids, though, there is no one to tell you "Hey! Sweet save on the tantrum!" or "My, what a balanced and tasty breakfast you made for the children."

My therapist, who I haven't needed to see much lately, but who I went to last week for a tune-up, strongly believes I should get a part-time job. Not the kind of job where I blog at a coffee shop, essentially alone. Or where I write my fiction and pretend it's work. Also, essentially alone. But the kind of job where I check in somewhere and interact with other adults.

I agreed with her. I explained, though, that I am giving myself until Kitty Cat is in Kindergarten (Fall of '10) to find an agent or get significantly published or pull in new blogging jobs, to really launch the writing thing, before I succumb to the call of "the job". Not that I have anything against working. I don't. 

I've just been home so long it's hard to imagine answering to a boss who isn't 4-years-old and who I can't manipulate with promises of licorice or doughnuts.

This SAHM gig makes me too hungry.

Too hungry for validation in a way I never was before. And I need to do something about that. Soon.

Comments

[Susan (Trout Towers)]

Yes.

Studley starts kindergarten in '10. I'm afraid of missing my chance and getting thrown back into the regular job when he starts school full time. It is a gift, this time we have.

Nice save on the tantrum, btw.

[kcinnova]

I've been there... the husband's holiday work banquet where I was the only non-medical person at the table, 5 months pregnant with baby #1... the great need for validation, which I found through volunteering at church & school (no paycheck validation, but plenty of kudos and goodwill).

Just so you know, I'm impressed with those tasty & nutritious meals!

[BethanyWD]

Yup, these are questions and ponderings most mothers (well, at least the mothers I LIKE) go through.

While I never really considered NOT working, I wish I could work more part-time, especially now that Sis will be entering kindergarten next fall (I know that sounds funny, but I would love to be able to work JUST when they are in school - 8:30-3:10). As much as I desired, craved and have LOVED being a mother, it's not something that defines ALL of me. As somewhat of an introvert, if I was home full-time, I'm afraid I would NEVER interact with other adults. I would just love being at home too much!

But, I also want my kids to see me as happy, fulfilled and using my intelligence and skills in a way that provides for them AND me.

[Laura in LA]

I totally agree with your therapist. I do not have children, but since I long to one day I am always soaking up knowledge from the mothers around me. There is a huge difference in the moms who have regular adult interaction and those who don't. I see a lot of ladies who have really lost a big part of themselves....so glad to see that you want YOU back!

[Life in Eden]

I hear you sister. I have a bit longer to wait -- the twins won't be in kindergarten for 4 years. But I'm focusing on pre-school -- cause they WILL be going. I'm looking at a part-time gig too, and while bringing in some money would be nice ... the big thing is the interaction and validation. You right, no one says "congratulations for not sitting on the couch while they nap!" It is hard to not feel valued. YOU are INTELLIGENT and important. Keep looking to that future.

[JJ]

I am in a similar situation - except that my kids are older. I was a shm until my youngest hit preschool age and then I HAD to go back to work. I had no problems with feeling useful when they were younger and I stayed at home and I wished I could have lasted longer befor egoing back to work , but circumstances didn't allow it. I also wished I could have started part time - which was the plan - but I was thrown headlong into a full time position and a stressful position at that. The first year was really tough. Presently I am a SHM AGain due to being unemployed and my kids are older and I feel really lost and my value zip. I am finding that I need more interaction with people - I am becoming more closed off and that is not me at all, so I feel very out of sorts! Here is a proposal for you that you may have heard - try getting out there by volunteering. And not just at your kid's school, but do something connected to what your talents are - your writing, graphic design, etc. that will connect you with more adults and more of a work mode. Design a flier for a benefit, write a proposal or grant - something that piques your interest about something that you feel strongly about. Just an idea - of course I have been telling MYSELF that too! ;)

[Rita]

Wow. Thanks for this post. Just what I needed today.

Also, beautiful writing. Love your blog.

[LeSan]

Warning--the commentator completeley lost control-

I hate that useless feeling and I know it well. The thing is though that you’re always going to find yourself at that table some time or an another. Whether it’s full of lawyers, artists or writers. The trick is in knowing how to value yourself. Tons easier said than done. Now frankly I can’t imagine a more powerful thing to do with your time and talents than work on creating two fantastic human beings. What in gods name could be more important or of greater value than the crafting of two souls who will in turn go out and impact the rest of the world.
I stayed home with mine. My husband and I both made choices that were hard. But you see this was a second marriage for me and I had been a single working mom for a few years before. I actually had the opportunity to ask my son what he preferred. Me working but giving “quality” time or me staying at home. After much asking here is what he said: “I want you here so I can go out and play and run in for a glass of Kool-Aid or something and know that you’re here. I want to know that you’re here taking care of things and that you’re here if I need you. You’re my home” He actually said this and that was all I needed. Of course he was a little older than yours so he had the words for it. He also had it the other way and he knew which he preferred.
Of all the things I have ever done giving myself to him was my greatest achievement. This is one of the most difficult ages for all of you right now. It does get better and they do stop sucking the brain cells directly out of your head…eventually. Don’t give up your writing just for some made up deadline. Find another way to interact with writers and learn a few Latin jokes if you have too. But remember that you are doing the greatest most difficult job ever. I doubt a single one of those Latin spewing lawyers could save a tantrum fix a nutritious tasty meal wipe unknown goop from a bodily orifice and write a fantastic story all simultaneously and without the help of some underpaid staffer.
You are my Hero and YOU Rock!
Please accept apologies for very long winded comment. I actually do have my own blog. Sorry.

[LeSan]

Oh rat!
I completely forgot that I came over here to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!
Have a wonderful day with your family.
LeSan

[Brenda Kula]

I was a stay-at-home-mom to kids. Now I'm a stay-at-home-mom to pets. Same thing, no backtalk! I thoroughly enjoy my solitude. And I love your blog!
Brenda

[Tina]

I am a SAHM...and often wonder if I do that well....I used to be organized and punctual. I was known to keep a running list of ‘missing’ or ‘misplaced’ items in my head…always on the look out for the 16th marker, puzzle piece or unmatched sock. I kept a steno notebook of weekly to-do-lists…. With time on my hands, I would refer back to crossed off lists….just to generate a fresh list. I cleaned, cooked and managed my life and home in an orderly fashion with small children under foot. What happened? Teenagers happened… that’s what. These days are spent in motion…often complete delirium... Its harder then when they were toddlers...I never have a lukewarm moment to myself anymore… a few days ago… I actually spent FIVE total hours in my car and I didn’t even leave town. These days… I do what I can when I can and leave the rest for my live in nanny and housekeeper…ha ha just kidding! Fact of the matter is I need a J O B but I am not sure how to fit that it.

[6512 and growing]

Same boat over here. I can see kindergarten, it's that close. Then I wonder if the $3/hour writing gig that I've been amusing myself with for years will be up and What's Next? And maybe plunging into What's Next will be great fun...or maybe I'll miss my kids terribly and feel unfulfilled.

One day at a time seems the span of distance ahead that I can see.

[Chris]

I could have written this [not as beautifully as you did], so I winced when I read it. I read it when you first posted it, and my guilt wouldn't allow me to comment [aren't I a shameful coward?]. If we lived closer, I think we would be "real life" friends. Hugs.