Guilted...not gilded

It is a long endless string, perhaps lit with small yellow Christmas bulbs, or maybe not maybe it is really a fuse and if you hold fire to it, it will eventually explode but it is there, always there, running under and behind and through everything you do You really shouldn't buy that You shouldn't eat that You should talk to her You owe someone a phone call You're not writing prolifically You're giving too much time to writing and not enough to your children You should definitely earn more money You need to read that book Your house is a mess mocking you every time you turn a corner You should be spending the holidays with your parents You have too many pairs of boots You aren't doing that the way your husband would like you to and the string runs on, tangling, hanging then holding taut never turning to dust until you do.

And you breathe in. You breathe out. You breathe in. You breathe out.

You're about to turn 41. 41 and counting. And you never thought you'd still notice the string. Much less that the string would be thicker and heavier and wound around you more tightly than it used to be.

Comments

[LeSan]

Oh my god Angie have you been roaming around in my head again? I'll tell you what, I have a secret pocket knife that I use to wittle away at that string a little more each day. I mean seriously, I have earned the right to eat a flipping donut once in awhile or not wash every wall in the house before putting up the Christmas tree.(actually had that argument with myself today)
I'm old I tell ya! I'm learning to live with a little more dirt and elastic waistbands.

[Amanda]

So, what keeps us from severing this string once and for all? Is it really THAT strong? Or are we afraid there will be nothing to hold us together if it goes? I guess I have my own little pocket knife, too, in theory. If something is worrying/stressing me, I need to make a conscious choice to either take action or LET IT GO. Putting this into practice, however, is elusive. And then, of course, I judge myself for that... and the cycle continues and the sting grows more sinewy.

[Kristen]

What a beautiful post, Angie. I'm just getting to know you here at All Adither and this post speaks to me in my gut. I think all the time about all of the Shoulds that echo around my brain and my house. I think too about the Wants. I wonder if both represent fibers of the same string, to borrow your metaphor - and if the loosening of one thread can happen without the loosening of the other.

[steph]

Oh, I hear you. And I hear the heaviness of it all, much like the fetters of Old Marley.

Sigh.

[Susan (Trout Towers)]

Sometimes it's less noticeable than others, but it's always there. True, true.

[Lisa]

So true. I've convinced myself of the big picture: I deserve X, which in my case would be to travel. But all the steps to X are tied up in that string, something like those high step string grids football players use for agility training.

[kcinnova]

Ramping up to 44 next month and it makes me want to slug down a large glass of eggnog. And I might, but then the voices get more insistent and the cord gets tighter.

So very true. Don't let it beat you!

[Margo]

I'm older than all of you.First on my agenda this week is obtaining a xanax script to get me through the holidays since I can't drink. I'm pretty sure my string has snapped or the bulbs have all been trampled. But it's Monday - so maybe everything will look up. Lovely post :)

[Laura in the Chi]

Wow, great post. You expressed exactly what's in my head too. Why the guilt? Is it a woman thing? A mother thing? A religious upbringing thing? I find it completely suffocating sometimes. Even when you do let it go briefly, it is always there, nagging you, pulling you back in.

[Leslie]

You said it, sister. I hate the string.