Claire does this thing where she genuflects kisses on my face. Minus the religion. It's a ritual for her most days when I drop her off at school. She kisses my forehead, cheek, cheek, chin. (Though I know that if this were truly genuflection, it would be forehead, chin, cheek, cheek. Whatever.)
I've realized something about her. She's just like me. Not in every way. But in her need to stay occupied until the moment she falls asleep, lest disturbing thoughts swirl around her brain in an endless helix.
I finally caught on last night, our first bedtime in San Diego, where we're spending the kids' winter break. She muttered from her sleeping bag that she needed something to do. That a dark room next to a slumbering brother would not stand. She whimpered for a while, then started to cry in earnest. At first I was annoyed. After a day of traveling, I just wanted to lie there in a stupor. But it soon become clear she was seriously distressed. I brought her into bed with me and tucked her under my arm. We slept that way for a few hours, until she inevitably turned into the thrashing octopus that emerges around 1 or 2 a.m.
I woke J. to move her to her sleeping bag.
At home, Claire is always up late, rearranging her bedroom, tucking dolls under blankets, playing until she's so exhausted she conks out. I didn't understand until last night, though, that she needs to. That her rearranging and playing is tantamount to my reading before sleep. It's a defense mechanism to ward off the figurative monsters. Or, as she puts it, the "bad thinkings".
She's so open and lively and imaginative during the day that I sometimes forget what those same qualities can do to a person alone with their thoughts in the dark. A small, unmedicated person to whom everything seems wondrous, but also big and scary.
Smart mama! I'm sure that you are right!
Posted by: m | February 21, 2011 at 12:12 PM
At least she comes by it naturally.
Posted by: sister | February 21, 2011 at 01:18 PM
Love this post. What a sweet and good mom you turned out to be!
Posted by: vanessa mcgrady | February 21, 2011 at 01:58 PM
Great post! I love the term "bad thinkings". Sounds like a word her writer mom would invent.
Posted by: Laura from the Chi | February 21, 2011 at 05:24 PM
Wonderful that you can already see her need is so much like your own. I'm sure you will be able to find positive things for her to keep away those "bad thinkings."
Posted by: kcinnova | February 21, 2011 at 10:58 PM
Beautifully said. And it's true about the terrors a creative mind can conjure. My son is a high school senior now and a very fine theater actor; when he was a little guy, I used to have to cast a spell over him every night to keep the bad dreams away. I made a big production out of it, lots of sound effects that should have been silly, but his little face seemed absolutely certain that the spell would work. And so it did.
Posted by: glasseye | February 24, 2011 at 08:11 PM
My daughter and I are like that as well. Must not go to bed until we're exhausted and can let sleep draw the shades so we can be at peace. Wishing both you and Claire sweet dreams.
Posted by: Cactus Petunia | March 02, 2011 at 08:50 PM
I cannot TELL you how much I loved this post.
You are such a good momma. This post proves it.
Posted by: Rita | March 13, 2011 at 07:30 PM