Sterile

In a few weeks I'm having the lining of my uterus lasered to oblivion. I imagine it smelling like smoke and burning skin, but I don't think lasers work that way. I am done being a fertile woman. Sick of the pain and fucking monthly bloodbath. And God knows I don't want any more babies. I can hardly handle the two I have.

That I had to reschedule my "procedure" for one of J.'s depositions led to a minor shitstorm on my part. He weathered it well. I told him I still couldn't forgive his job for the depositions he did in the days right after Claire was born. He said only, "I know." I think he's a little bitter, too.

I couldn't have handled those few postpartum weeks without my parents, who took shifts around the clock so J. could work and sleep and I could not go insane.

They are coming to Seattle tomorrow, my parents. I'll be taking them to a tulip festival and on a chocolate factory tour. My dad will tell the kids knock knock jokes and my mom will bring presents and we'll actually have some childless time, too, while Max and Claire are in school.

They must think it's weird that I'm of age now to sterilize myself. They must look at each other and say, "Forty-two! Our daughter is forty-two." Because that's what J. and I do about Eight and Six. Holy Shit, we'll whisper in wonder, Max and Claire are Eight and Six.

At the same time, it seems like we've had littles forever. I can't even remember my life before, except in snatches where I might wax nostalgic about things like free time on weekends, toyless rooms, and visions of my future, hopefully as a mother.

It's very different than I expected. So much better. And so, so much worse.

Comments

[Jennifer Jo]

May the procedure go well and the recovery be speedy! So glad your parents will be there.

[Bev]

Countless times over the 26 years since my uterus was removed I have told people that the surgery was the best gift I had ever received...for all the reasons you mentioned. The freedom from all that is one very precious gift that you will remember and appreciate the rest of your life.

Good luck, and many happy monthlies-less months ahead...truly.

[kcinnova]

Mine ended up being a hysterectomy, but I count it as a blessing. I cannot tell you how jealous other women have been when I say I haven't had to deal with the mess and expense for the past 10-1/2 years! (It did, however, make me start thinking about grandchildren...)

[Averil]

You're the first mother I've heard who will admit the fact that parenting can be worse than expected, in some ways. People try to prepare you for the exhaustion and poverty, but how can anyone explain the loss of self?

I'm also 42, by the way, and my oldest kids are 18 and 16. (18 and 16, we whisper . . .)

[kirida]

Can I lift you up with a scene from the Simpsons? After Homer spent all their savings on a stupid cartoon stock, he tried to get Marge to be a surrogate which she refused. So he said, "But Marge it's uterUS not uterYOU."

[Leslie]

One of my friends recently had this done, and she has been ecstatic about the results. Keep me posted, maybe I'll sign up too.

I agree, better and worse....that is so true.

[Cactus Petunia]

I have a thirty year old son and a twenty seven year old daughter. And you're right. The parenthood journey has been much better and far worse than I ever expected, but most definitely worth it.

Wishing you a speedy recovery!

[Momo Fali]

I had this done in September and it was the best thing EVER. Even the surgery was like a day at the spa. Everyone was waiting on me and I got to sleep a little...then they sent me home with pain pills. BONUS!

[Rachael]

I've talked to my husband about him getting a vasectomy since we're done having kids, but I wouldn't mind at all being the one to get something done if my insurance covered it. What is the procedure that you're getting done? I'd love to know more or hear about your experience if you're willing to share. I seriously don't need to be pregnant ever again.