Raw

There was no other title for this post, really.

Raw sums it up quite succinctly.

It's like I've been sitting on a windy beach, sand twirling around me in small, stinging tornados. My towel is turned up at the corners and half-buried. I huddle in my clothes, pulling a hat over my face, and digging my toes down to where it's cool and calm.

I've cut back a bit on my anti-depressant, just on certain days, to try to mitigate a certain side effect that I do not like at all. So maybe the wavering serotonin is to blame for my emotional sandstorm.

It started innocently enough, with a physical (which, incidentally, has nothing to do with my anti-depressant) and was only because I was due. I got the usual blood work and my platelets came back low. Much lower than they were a year and a half ago when I started to realize that I might be lupus-y. (God, I hate that word so much. Why can't it be named something more exotic like Sjogren's Syndrome or Hashimoto's thyroiditis?) Not quite get-thee-to-a-hematologist-right-this-second low. But low enough to be somewhat alarming. To need to go see the blood doctor sometime soon.

So, I'm waiting for my hematologist appointment in early August. And of course, am enjoying a constant mental ticker tape of Please don't let it be leukemia please don't let it be leukemia please don't let it be leukemia.

Worrying about cancer (or any other horrific disease) is a hobby of mine. Not as satisfying as, say, photography. But, my brain tends to go there when I don't keep it on a tight enough leash (Oh, it goes everywhere everywhere everywhere I don't want it to when I neglect to keep it in its spiked choke collar).

Lupus sucks, too, yeah. But isn't as ominous. At least not immediately. I suppose there are other options. Less sinister. More commonplace. Not as meaty, though, so my brain won't chew on those.

***

Max and Claire were both in camp this week. Separate camps for which neither was excited. To keep them away from the Screens and to give myself a chance to theoretically inhale, exhale, and think, I signed them up and ushered them back and forth anyway. Watching them depart at the beginning of the week kind of killed me.

I watched Max at drop off, sorting his lunch from his snacks and stooping over to work on the morning's craft project, his sweet, nine-year-old-boy vertebrate bumpling out his camp-issued t-shirt. He was so mature. Nervous, but willing. And even though I knew he was in a good, safe place, I wanted to cry.

Same with Claire. I brought her into a gathering of girls who sang songs and made food and painted things under the trees. She knew many of the others there from school, but she was uncomfortable at first, shifting from foot to foot, trying to be brave. I had absolutely no doubt this was good for her, but I broke every day as I walked away from her and back to the car.

***

We had an issue with Claire's ear lobe, which has only been pierced since March. Evidently, I let her leave a pair of earrings in too long. And, though she cleaned them daily, I wasn't checking her work. As it turns out, it is possible for flesh to swallow an earring back whole.

When we realized this last night, we were mortified. Claire wept because she knew she'd need a minor surgical procedure to have it removed. I wept because I felt like such a loser parent for not having taken better care of her.

I'm relieved, however, to report that after visiting two doctors, enduring six lidocaine shots, and suffering through lots of poking and prodding in a very sensitive and small pad of tissue, Claire's earring back is now in the garbage, she's wearing teensy 14k hoops with no backs and no dangle to catch on anything, and we are past this (barring MRSA or a flesh-eating infection, of course).

J. is wondering what this will all cost us. He was not for the 7th birthday piercing to begin with and that walloped me with another layer of guilt. As he said tonight, "There's so much." I agree fully. There's so much to spend money on. And I do most of the spending because, well, I'm here with the kids. I guess I should just stop this thread because there exists is a big, complicated financial dynamic that encompasses J.'s job and all that I hate about it and our separate and joint priorities and the guilt guilt guilt. Blogging about it will hurt us both.

Back to the windstorm. Eff the Celexa side effects right now, because I need that substance like a cat needs sunlight. I'm back to popping my daily 40 mgs.

If you have any to spare, please send positive energy to me in Seattle. I'm kind of a mess here, trying not to let sand cake my mouth and eyes and hair.

Comments

[sarah piazza]

oh sweetie. thinking the best thoughts for you.

if you need to talk, i'm around.

xo

[Jennifer Jo]

So well said, especially the part about the emotions on their spiked choke collar. That made me laugh. Because it's true, I know.

xoxo

[annettek]

I'm sending all the good vibes I can. xo

[jenn k]

Honey! 1. Why didn't they put you on Lexapro? It's the same drug, only they fiddled with it somehow so that you only have to take 20mg instead of 40. I read somewhere that it really mitigates that feeling of being dead below the waist. Or if you want to try something totally different, Effexor (or its newer version, Pristiq, which I'm thinking about trying) is very good but VERY VERY impt. to take it at the same time every day or it is really really not fun. It has an insanely short half-life or something, which means it gets up and outta your brain really fast and that means take it at the same time every day or you'll be hiding in the laundry room weeping. Maybe Pristiq is better as far as that goes. Call your doc and let them know you're having trouble.

2. I do the same thing, obsessing over having cancer or something awful. If anyone was even worried a little bit that you might have something seriously wrong with your blood, they'd get you in to see the hematologist this week. Pick something else to worry about. (Lupus sucks, but is very treatable these days, or so I hear.)

3. About the money, WHOO BOY do I feel you. Can't relate to feeling anything but zip-a-dee-do-dah when it comes to leaving my kids at camp though. I am literally counting the days until August 22. There are 39.

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

Apparently Effexor XR (my version of the happy pill) is difficult to ever step away from, but it makes my life so much better that my husband forbids me to ever do without it. (True story: when I was on a super-strong bc pill to control my awful cycles, I became "dead below the waist" and depressed to boot! So I do understand the importance of getting those meds tweaked just right. When I abandoned the depression-inducing friend of my uterus, I became so joyful that within 3 weeks I was pregnant with baby #4. Obv. not dead below anymore!) All that to say, I don't have any bad side-effects on the Effexor extended release EXCEPT I get a bad sinus-y headache by 1pm if I forget to take my meds in the morning. I can live with that -- it's my reminder to take it, quick, before it gets worse!
I hope you can find a med that works with you and for you. It's gotta be out there.

We all feel like bad moms sometimes. (I was supposed to make a wisdom teeth extraction appt. 2+ years ago. He's now 19. It still needs to happen... except now his 16yo brother needs it too, so there's a big bill all at once.
And the money thing? Yeah. I'm having trouble not spending when I shouldn't. For 21 years, the income steadily increased. Now it's been chopped in half. But there are some trips that ought to happen, some times in life that need to be grabbed and swallowed whole, and the feeding of ones soul can't be ignored.
Hang in there.

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

PS: a weekend trek over the mountains to the sunny side of the state might be a good idea.

[Virginia Kim]

Light and healing thoughts. Been both places and come back to tell about it!

[Jenn k]

Update: went to see my doc yesterday and talked to her about switching from Lexapro to Pristiq. She thought it was a good idea. Took it this morning for the first time. I swear I already feel a teeny bit less crabby and more energetic. You might want to give it or Effexor XR a try.

[laurie]

To lessen your guilt: The same thing happened to my daughter. Her earlobe swallowed the stud. It was there one day and gone the next. We waited until she was 11 to pierce her ears and she cleaned them faithfully. It just happens sometimes.

[platelets low cancer]

If a person has low blood platelets and gets cut could it result
in serious infection?

[M]

@platelets low cancer: NO!

[sac Louis Vuitton pas cher]

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